Time does not stop

Update on me: I started therapy 2 weeks ago and it’s going well. An hour feels like 5 min, but we’ve accomplished a few things. My fears and anxiety definitely stem from my childhood (something I already knew), but the therapist is helping me make sense of it all; how it’s affecting me now as an adult. Interesting stuff - and it’s making me feel more at ease.

On to writing about Javier. He will be 18 months in a couple of weeks! Unbelievable.

I was driving him to daycare the other morning thinking that I’ll be leaving him once again for 8.5 hours. Even though I’ve become much more comfortable doing it, it’s still difficult to wrap my brain around the fact that he is out of my sight and hands for that long each day.

I started to think about the concept of time and realized that until Javier starts to tell time, his concept of it now is less...threatening. When I drop him off he says good-bye (just a week ago started to wave) and enthusiastically runs to the toys. I, on the other hand get back into my car and say a little prayer that his day goes well and I think, gosh, we’ll be apart this whole day. Once I get to work, it goes away, but I “check in”, look at the clock, and count down the hours. When I pick him up, he looks at me and it’s like, “oh yeah, I know her” and gets excited, but he has no idea that we’ve been apart for that long. I love that! It’s like time flies when you’re having fun and to him being apart is totally okay.

He is getting to be such a big boy. He’s transitioning into the toddler group at daycare and he looks so grown up next to the others. Sometimes he’s sitting at the table building with legos or putting stickers on a piece of paper. He’s eating with a spoon and fork at times too, and is learning how to drink without a cover on the sippy-cup. He enjoys listening to music and calms down when he hears us singing to him. He already has favorite books he likes to look at and it's so nice when he sits on our laps to read one. I have favorite children books now too : )

One thing he isn’t liking very much are his swimming lessons. Grant it, he’s only been to one so far, but he wasn’t digging it. He hung on to me like a wet baby monkey, but I’m hoping it gets better. My husband is with him this morning for the 2nd one and I’m crossing my fingers it’s going well.

What I love seeing about Javier right now is watching him take in everything around him. When he’s in a good mood (which is for the most part) he’s funny, playful, and content and takes time to stop and look at things. I'm totally encouraging this too as we hardly do it as adults - hopefully it'll stick with him. He now points to trees, planes in the sky, squirrels, dogs, and birds. The other day he was intrigued by the bright yellow and orange leaves that were floating in a puddle. He pointed at them each day for about 3 days. He remembers things that I wouldn’t think he’d pick up on. He knows how to point the remote control towards the t.v. The other day my husband wacked the remote with his other hand b/c it wasn’t working and now Javier does it too before pointing it to the t.v! It’s so funny.

We’re going to introduce the potty to him soon. It’s on our bathroom floor now, but he stands in it… We’re going to be more intentional about now and our daycare lady said to just try once a day. We’ll see how it goes. I can’t believe I’m talking about potty training already!

Wow....September 1st, it is.

I haven’t looked at my blog since the last time I’ve written anything and realized it’s been exactly one month. I think I’ll continue the one-month trend since I can't seem to find the time to write more often...

Summertime is coming to an end unfortunately, but I am excited for fall and winter. The more I see Javier growing and enjoying life, the more I want to experience with him. The beauty of the seasons changing is that life patterns do change and I’m excited to share that with him.

Aside from the busy-ness of life, I’ve started to feel some more anxiety creeping up. I’ve written about how I experienced post-partum anxiety and it had actually gotten a lot better, but now I think it’s coming back. I spoke to my brother’s girlfriend who is in the homeopathic world and she informed me that some women continue to spiral downward in moods even well after a year of having given birth and I think that’s what I’m experiencing. As I’ve said before, I have had mild anxiety and depression issues since my teenage years, so this is just another level I’m starting to deal with.

My anxiety can be described as being extremely fearful at time. Not all the time, all of sudden I get a feeling that something bad is going to happen at any given moment. All of this for no real concrete reason! It’s so stupid to me, and that is where the depression kicks in. I get pissed that I feel this way and then it drags me down. Lately, it’s more like something catastrophic is going to happen. I think the reported earthquakes out west and then the one out east have spooked me. Then the hurricane, and those to come. The internet and media are the worst things to turn to, I’ve learned. I’ve stopped looking up information on-line b/c it just exasperates my anxiety. SO, I need to stop and pray and meditate so I don’t feel anxious about things that I can’t control and don’t know about.

I wonder if I weren’t a parent, would I think about these things? Maybe, but I think it would feel differently…

So, I’m taking control of my mind. I contacted my brother’s girlfriend and asked her what vitamins should I be taking. I do believe that my hormones are still wacky and I’m still nursing twice a day, so yeah, my hormones are not balanced. She encouraged me to take a B-complex, a multi-vitamin, fish oil, Magnesium, and folic acid. I believe I eat well, but I don’t think good enough, so I truly believe these vitamins are going to help. She explained that the vitamins sold at large department stores or synthesized and who knows what we’re ingesting there so I purchased vitamins through her pharmacy that are produced naturally and ethically. It’s big investment, but so worth it. I’m very excited for this and do hope that it’s my ticket to feeling better.

When I’m with Javier, I continue to treasure every moment. We laugh, a lot, we play and yeah, he cries and throws tantrums, but we’re having a ball. He’s walking a lot right now, saying words I can’t understand, but it sounds like Spanish. He’s starting to have conversations with us. He’s saying “mama” now - only started this week and I’m completely loving it! Probably one of the best words ever. I don’t know what I will do when he says “I love you” – words will not be able to describe it. Here are a few photos of what our little man looks like these days. He is now 16 months old.

Woot! It's Summer time!

This summer has been super-fun to say the least. Thank goodness we’re having a good time, but I have to admit, the bad storms kinda scare me. I’m such a wuss, but I’ve hated storms since I can remember and ironically, I move to probably one of the most extreme weather states. The winter storms are totally fine, it’s the summer ones that make me pace and my heart pound hard – I’m like a dog wanting to hide in any dark corner of the house. Luckily, Javier (15 months old now) is oblivious to them and I hope it stays that way. He just looks at me, seriously in the eyes, when I hear the sirens, scoop him up, and take him to the basement. Then we get down there, and all he wants to do is play….

At the beginning of the summer, I was so excited to be outdoors and to be able to take Javier wherever I could, and it has been exactly that. Hence the very, very late blog post. We’ve gone to parks, beaches, restaurants; we’ve been on vacation with both sides of the family, first to Small Point, ME and second to a lake resort in Pine River MN; we’ve also had great play-dates with friends. Even though Javier is hesitant at times when it comes to new things (like getting into the lake or ocean), he is adapting well and learning everyday.

He has finally started walking!!! It’s been 3 weeks now and he’s almost mastered it. Hasn’t started running yet, but I have a feeling it’s around the corner. I don’t know if it’s because I’m around a lot of little kids now a days, but after the first few times of seeing him walk, it became a normal thing fast. It was definitely exciting to see him do it and to see him get excited, but now we’re just making sure he doesn’t fall and crack his head on something. All in all, it’s amazing and it’s a bit surreal that we have a walking toddler!

Javier has quite the personality and it’s so fun to be around him. He loves to fake laugh and it just cracks me up. He does it in the morning too, and it makes my day. Eating finger food and “adult” food is not an issue anymore. He turned a corner about a month ago and now tries almost everything. I just have to remind him to chew, chew, chew! We try to show him how (he knows, but we like to show him) and he laughs as he mimics us. We definitely have a little rascal in our hands…

I’ve left my little guy for an over-night for the first time ever just a week ago. It was for the U2 concert and I have to admit, I didn’t miss him. Mostly because he was with his father so I had nothing to worry about. And well because I was with Bono!!! I was able to relax, have several drinks, and truly enjoy my night out. U2 was magical, spiritual – as a friend mentioned, and I hope that I can get Javier to like them too. I’m gearing up to play all of the best for Javi so he knows what good music is/was and so he grows up listening to what mom and dad listened to. And you know, like bands/musicians that should never be forgotten – old and new. From Michael Jackson, Beatles, Bob Marley, Prince to Ray Lamontagne, Rodrigo y Gabriela, and Adele - to mention a few.

Anyway, leaving him for a night wasn’t bad at all, but I don’t know if I could do it for longer than that. It would have to be for a pretty darn good reason.

Tantrums, Food, and Good Sleepin'

Lately Javier, who is now 13 months old BTW, has been throwing these little tantrums and I'm not sure what to do with them. He's always been this sweet, gentle little boy, but when he gets upset these days, he arches his back, screams, and throws himself backwards onto the floor. He's done it to me when he doesn't want to go into his crib, but I talk him through it and he calms down shortly after. He also does it at times when he doesn't want to go into his car seat. Today our daycare lady said he did it when she walked passed him and didn't pick him up. He was on the floor and she was afraid he was going to hurt himself.

These tantrums don't last long, but I'm not sure what to do when they're happening. Do I not react to it? Why does he do it and get so upset? Could he be learning this at daycare? I don't see other children acting this way. I now wonder if we spoil him by over-praising him and loving him so much, that he now simply gets this way when he wants something. It's funny because before having a child I thought, no way, my kids won't do that. Pah! Was I wrong. I now realize there are certain things you can't control and well, I believe this behavior is a parent's true test. I'm up, and it's real, but I kind of do feel like we need to nip this in the bud. No? I think this because he isn't close to being 2 years old yet. If he was 2, then it would seem more typical, but he's only 1! What the heck?!

Aside from the tantrums, we cannot be more in love with our little guy. He's so fun most of the time - joking, laughing, pretending, playing. He's eating many more solids now, which makes me happy, but now I need to be more creative with cooking. He's not a big fan of just steamed veggies, so I feel like I might need to be Martha Stewart in the kitchen so that he can enjoy it and eat it all up. His favorite meal right now is plain yogurt, blended with blueberries, banana, and wheat germ - all organic. I love it too actually, but we only make it for him. He's really loving pasta these days, so I think I'm going to sneak in some carrots and maybe peas, although I can totally see him picking them out and throwing them on the floor. We'll see. But yeah, feeding time is exciting right now, at least for me. I'm always thinking of what I can make and what would taste good to him. He's picky, but luckily his palate his changing. He tasted watermelon today after several tries and kept asking for more! I read somewhere that you have to try like 15 times with various foods and that most likely they will end up liking it.

And finally, Javier is sleeping from 7pm to 7am. I never thought that day would come - I am knocking on wood right now. This better not be just another phase. He was doing 7 to 4, then 7 - 5:45, which was the worst because then I couldn't fall asleep again, and that's even with my husband going in there and getting him back down. But these last 3 nights he has stretched it to 7. It is so lovely. I really, really, hope it sticks.

I am thrilled that Summer is almost officially here. Even though we continue to jump hurdles (little hurdles), parenting and raising a little one has become more and more natural. I'm excited for shorts & t-shirts, garden veggies, parks, birds & bunnies, pools, running, cabins, and biking. Doing and seeing all of this and more, with Javier, makes me very happy.

The Battle Begins - Weaning

Before Javier turned 1, I said to myself that I would probably stop breastfeeding as soon as he turned 1. It was simple and easy to think about, and thought, yes, this is what will happen. But, all of sudden I didn't know how to do it. I work in a prenatal clinic, I educate women on breastfeeding, how the heck do I not know how to do it?!


Right when I thought okay, I'll drop the afternoon pump session, I just couldn't do it. I was going through the motions thinking wait this isn't right. The milk was there, the urge to pump was tremendous, and I couldn't stop it! But I got through it. I forced myself to not pump and the urge quickly slipped away. Phew. I pump once a day now, between noon and 1pm.

The actual nursing piece is a huge hurdle for me right now. It's so easy and natural for me to nurse, and Javier is still interested so I just keep thinking why wouldn't I? I believe part of it is that I never produced an abundance of milk like some women do, but it was always sufficient. Now that I still produce it, I just think what a waste to not continue feeding it to Javier. I start to think about cancers and diseases and about how much I could probably be protecting him from.



This inner struggle is wild. I've never felt so conflicted, I don't think. Part of me really wants my body back. I don't want to have to lug the pump around anymore. I have to remember that Javier is eating other foods that will keep him healthy. Yes, all sounds very logical. But then there's the how do I soothe him, what if he really wants to continue nursing, how do I avoid it/reject it? When else will we have this quiet, meditative moment - that "oneness" feeling, again? He's not making it any easier for me - he doesn't even bite! I know all of this sounds a bit nutty, but it's seriously what goes through my head when I think about it. I now know why mothers nurse until children are 3. I absolutely, WILL NOT, be nursing until he's 3, but I now clearly understand.

Anyway, I'm taking it a step at a time. I will be dropping the noon session really soon. Once I do that, I think I will stick with mornings and evenings for a little while longer. Weekends will be a whole other ball game. Any words of wisdom, anyone?

Javierito cumplio 1 año

Our 1 year old weighs 22 lbs and is 30 ½ inches long. Woo-hoo!

Last month, April, was superbly busy. I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off both at home and at work. It has all been fruitful and fun, but now I need a vacation….

Javier turned 1 on April 22nd. I was reminded again and again that he was born on Earth Day and we kept thinking of what we could do to link both of these very special occasions. My husband loves digging in the dirt so he decided that we would plant two apple trees in our giant backyard. Fabulous idea!! He bought two from the U of M and planted them last night. Can’t wait to see Javier pick those apples!



My husband’s birthday was on April 20th and I asked what he wanted to do for his bday. I, of course, was thinking that we could leave Javier with his grandparents and that Jeff and I would go out. When I asked, he said he actually wanted to celebrate with Javier. I didn’t take it personally as I thought, yeah, I would too : ) So, we had a little gathering with friends and their kids and we had some good cake. I thought one birthday would take away from the other, but it actually felt really nice. Javier had no idea what was going and just enjoyed dipping his little finger into frosting the whole time. I could see that Jeff was happy hanging out with family and friends and that this was exactly how he wanted to celebrate.

Javier’s birthday not only landed on Earth Day, but this year, it was also Good Friday. This worked out well for us because we had an extra full day with him! We decided to fly to Chicago for the long weekend to see my family and to celebrate some more. Once again, Javier dug his little finger into frosting and this time around he did it like a pro.


I have to say that it is unreal to me that Javier is 1. People would say that there were going to be so many changes in this first year and it is so true. He is a little person now; totally interacting and speaking his own language. He’s pretty vocal when he’s just with us and it’s so funny because it’s neither Spanish nor English. We think it’s mostly Spanish as I’m picking up on a few words here and there, but overall it’s just sounds with gestures and emotion. I love it! He’s quite funny, which is adorable – he gets that from my husband.


He leans in for kisses and gives us hugs. He’s getting much better at eating foods with texture, but hasn’t mastered eating on his own. The doctor said it was totally fine, so I’m not concerned. I’m still nursing and I’m so ambivalent about weaning. I’ve dropped the late night pump session, but I can’t seem to let go of the other two times I do it. Nursing is still so natural right now for the both of us that I can’t imagine not doing it at all… He is drinking whole milk now too, which is kind of fun. He isn’t drinking much from a regular bottle these days. His daycare nana (it’s what I call her now) is just giving him a cup and she said that he doesn’t want to drink with the cover on. He makes a mess, but prefers it that way. We’re totally okay with that too.

Certain things he’s doing right now:

Likes to cuddle with his blue, Curious George-looking stuffed animal.
Dislikes sitting in car seat for a long time. (There’s that new recommendation thatbabies should be in rear-facing car seats until they’re two. Not going to happen!!!)

Enjoys his shopping cart push-toy.
Is liking bananas!
Likes to grab the remote control and point it to the television (not sure if we love that…).
Loves to pull his socks off.
Knows what “leche” (milk) means.
Likes to point at things.
Plays well with friends.
Knows what “No” is, but does he listen?
LOVES his dad.
Likes to give kisses to babies in books.
Loves to laugh.
Dislikes leaving the park.
Really enjoys taking baths, but hates big pools at the moment.
Is getting tired of diaper changes; if he only understood that pooping in a toilet is so much better! Soon enough, I guess.

Mi Niño - 11 months

He’s crawling, he’s moving, he’s cruising and now he always wants us to “walk” him around the house. He gets upset when we let go and he has to sit again. As soon as he touches our hands he quickly grasps our index fingers and pulls on them, like come on, let's walk! We just can't resist, but I also just want him to take his time. He's into everything now, once he starts walking, forget it! We'll definitely be getting our workout.

At 11 months, he is definitely doing all the right things. He’s babbling and using different sounds; he says dah-dy, which of course sounds like daddy, but sometimes it sounds like doggy. I’m not sure, but if it’s dah-dy, oh well – go figure. He knows what “no” means, but does he listen? NO! Sometimes he does, but he has a smirk on his face and goes back to what he shouldn’t be doing. That’s OK, we are consistent for the most part, so hopefully one day it will click. Javier is starting to feed himself with his spoon. He hates finger food right now, which is a bit frustrating, but he loves using the spoon to scoop and knows to bring it to his mouth. Finger food freaks him out - yeah, we're working on that... He drinks out of a sippy cup, which is great because I think we’ll skip the bottle when we start giving him regular milk. OH! He learned how to clap! It’s the cutest thing ever. I say “bravo” and clap and he does it with a huge smile.


These days have been so fun, but one thing that scared us to death was when just a couple of weeks ago, he choked on a teeny-tiny piece of what looked like the corner of a candy wrapper. It happened in seconds and we had to call the ambulance. We got it out because he finally threw up, but it was the scariest thing ever. The paramedic checked him out even though Javier was fine when they got there and said that babies’ windpipes are narrower than their own little pinkies and that it only takes the tiniest object to block them. What sucked about this one little thing was that it got sticky (with saliva and mucus b/c he had a cold)so it stuck not allowing us to get it out when we tipped him and patted his back. Throwing up is what did it. It was so, so, scary and what was alarming was how quickly it all happened. Hopefully, never again.