Time does not stop

Update on me: I started therapy 2 weeks ago and it’s going well. An hour feels like 5 min, but we’ve accomplished a few things. My fears and anxiety definitely stem from my childhood (something I already knew), but the therapist is helping me make sense of it all; how it’s affecting me now as an adult. Interesting stuff - and it’s making me feel more at ease.

On to writing about Javier. He will be 18 months in a couple of weeks! Unbelievable.

I was driving him to daycare the other morning thinking that I’ll be leaving him once again for 8.5 hours. Even though I’ve become much more comfortable doing it, it’s still difficult to wrap my brain around the fact that he is out of my sight and hands for that long each day.

I started to think about the concept of time and realized that until Javier starts to tell time, his concept of it now is less...threatening. When I drop him off he says good-bye (just a week ago started to wave) and enthusiastically runs to the toys. I, on the other hand get back into my car and say a little prayer that his day goes well and I think, gosh, we’ll be apart this whole day. Once I get to work, it goes away, but I “check in”, look at the clock, and count down the hours. When I pick him up, he looks at me and it’s like, “oh yeah, I know her” and gets excited, but he has no idea that we’ve been apart for that long. I love that! It’s like time flies when you’re having fun and to him being apart is totally okay.

He is getting to be such a big boy. He’s transitioning into the toddler group at daycare and he looks so grown up next to the others. Sometimes he’s sitting at the table building with legos or putting stickers on a piece of paper. He’s eating with a spoon and fork at times too, and is learning how to drink without a cover on the sippy-cup. He enjoys listening to music and calms down when he hears us singing to him. He already has favorite books he likes to look at and it's so nice when he sits on our laps to read one. I have favorite children books now too : )

One thing he isn’t liking very much are his swimming lessons. Grant it, he’s only been to one so far, but he wasn’t digging it. He hung on to me like a wet baby monkey, but I’m hoping it gets better. My husband is with him this morning for the 2nd one and I’m crossing my fingers it’s going well.

What I love seeing about Javier right now is watching him take in everything around him. When he’s in a good mood (which is for the most part) he’s funny, playful, and content and takes time to stop and look at things. I'm totally encouraging this too as we hardly do it as adults - hopefully it'll stick with him. He now points to trees, planes in the sky, squirrels, dogs, and birds. The other day he was intrigued by the bright yellow and orange leaves that were floating in a puddle. He pointed at them each day for about 3 days. He remembers things that I wouldn’t think he’d pick up on. He knows how to point the remote control towards the t.v. The other day my husband wacked the remote with his other hand b/c it wasn’t working and now Javier does it too before pointing it to the t.v! It’s so funny.

We’re going to introduce the potty to him soon. It’s on our bathroom floor now, but he stands in it… We’re going to be more intentional about now and our daycare lady said to just try once a day. We’ll see how it goes. I can’t believe I’m talking about potty training already!

Wow....September 1st, it is.

I haven’t looked at my blog since the last time I’ve written anything and realized it’s been exactly one month. I think I’ll continue the one-month trend since I can't seem to find the time to write more often...

Summertime is coming to an end unfortunately, but I am excited for fall and winter. The more I see Javier growing and enjoying life, the more I want to experience with him. The beauty of the seasons changing is that life patterns do change and I’m excited to share that with him.

Aside from the busy-ness of life, I’ve started to feel some more anxiety creeping up. I’ve written about how I experienced post-partum anxiety and it had actually gotten a lot better, but now I think it’s coming back. I spoke to my brother’s girlfriend who is in the homeopathic world and she informed me that some women continue to spiral downward in moods even well after a year of having given birth and I think that’s what I’m experiencing. As I’ve said before, I have had mild anxiety and depression issues since my teenage years, so this is just another level I’m starting to deal with.

My anxiety can be described as being extremely fearful at time. Not all the time, all of sudden I get a feeling that something bad is going to happen at any given moment. All of this for no real concrete reason! It’s so stupid to me, and that is where the depression kicks in. I get pissed that I feel this way and then it drags me down. Lately, it’s more like something catastrophic is going to happen. I think the reported earthquakes out west and then the one out east have spooked me. Then the hurricane, and those to come. The internet and media are the worst things to turn to, I’ve learned. I’ve stopped looking up information on-line b/c it just exasperates my anxiety. SO, I need to stop and pray and meditate so I don’t feel anxious about things that I can’t control and don’t know about.

I wonder if I weren’t a parent, would I think about these things? Maybe, but I think it would feel differently…

So, I’m taking control of my mind. I contacted my brother’s girlfriend and asked her what vitamins should I be taking. I do believe that my hormones are still wacky and I’m still nursing twice a day, so yeah, my hormones are not balanced. She encouraged me to take a B-complex, a multi-vitamin, fish oil, Magnesium, and folic acid. I believe I eat well, but I don’t think good enough, so I truly believe these vitamins are going to help. She explained that the vitamins sold at large department stores or synthesized and who knows what we’re ingesting there so I purchased vitamins through her pharmacy that are produced naturally and ethically. It’s big investment, but so worth it. I’m very excited for this and do hope that it’s my ticket to feeling better.

When I’m with Javier, I continue to treasure every moment. We laugh, a lot, we play and yeah, he cries and throws tantrums, but we’re having a ball. He’s walking a lot right now, saying words I can’t understand, but it sounds like Spanish. He’s starting to have conversations with us. He’s saying “mama” now - only started this week and I’m completely loving it! Probably one of the best words ever. I don’t know what I will do when he says “I love you” – words will not be able to describe it. Here are a few photos of what our little man looks like these days. He is now 16 months old.

Woot! It's Summer time!

This summer has been super-fun to say the least. Thank goodness we’re having a good time, but I have to admit, the bad storms kinda scare me. I’m such a wuss, but I’ve hated storms since I can remember and ironically, I move to probably one of the most extreme weather states. The winter storms are totally fine, it’s the summer ones that make me pace and my heart pound hard – I’m like a dog wanting to hide in any dark corner of the house. Luckily, Javier (15 months old now) is oblivious to them and I hope it stays that way. He just looks at me, seriously in the eyes, when I hear the sirens, scoop him up, and take him to the basement. Then we get down there, and all he wants to do is play….

At the beginning of the summer, I was so excited to be outdoors and to be able to take Javier wherever I could, and it has been exactly that. Hence the very, very late blog post. We’ve gone to parks, beaches, restaurants; we’ve been on vacation with both sides of the family, first to Small Point, ME and second to a lake resort in Pine River MN; we’ve also had great play-dates with friends. Even though Javier is hesitant at times when it comes to new things (like getting into the lake or ocean), he is adapting well and learning everyday.

He has finally started walking!!! It’s been 3 weeks now and he’s almost mastered it. Hasn’t started running yet, but I have a feeling it’s around the corner. I don’t know if it’s because I’m around a lot of little kids now a days, but after the first few times of seeing him walk, it became a normal thing fast. It was definitely exciting to see him do it and to see him get excited, but now we’re just making sure he doesn’t fall and crack his head on something. All in all, it’s amazing and it’s a bit surreal that we have a walking toddler!

Javier has quite the personality and it’s so fun to be around him. He loves to fake laugh and it just cracks me up. He does it in the morning too, and it makes my day. Eating finger food and “adult” food is not an issue anymore. He turned a corner about a month ago and now tries almost everything. I just have to remind him to chew, chew, chew! We try to show him how (he knows, but we like to show him) and he laughs as he mimics us. We definitely have a little rascal in our hands…

I’ve left my little guy for an over-night for the first time ever just a week ago. It was for the U2 concert and I have to admit, I didn’t miss him. Mostly because he was with his father so I had nothing to worry about. And well because I was with Bono!!! I was able to relax, have several drinks, and truly enjoy my night out. U2 was magical, spiritual – as a friend mentioned, and I hope that I can get Javier to like them too. I’m gearing up to play all of the best for Javi so he knows what good music is/was and so he grows up listening to what mom and dad listened to. And you know, like bands/musicians that should never be forgotten – old and new. From Michael Jackson, Beatles, Bob Marley, Prince to Ray Lamontagne, Rodrigo y Gabriela, and Adele - to mention a few.

Anyway, leaving him for a night wasn’t bad at all, but I don’t know if I could do it for longer than that. It would have to be for a pretty darn good reason.

Tantrums, Food, and Good Sleepin'

Lately Javier, who is now 13 months old BTW, has been throwing these little tantrums and I'm not sure what to do with them. He's always been this sweet, gentle little boy, but when he gets upset these days, he arches his back, screams, and throws himself backwards onto the floor. He's done it to me when he doesn't want to go into his crib, but I talk him through it and he calms down shortly after. He also does it at times when he doesn't want to go into his car seat. Today our daycare lady said he did it when she walked passed him and didn't pick him up. He was on the floor and she was afraid he was going to hurt himself.

These tantrums don't last long, but I'm not sure what to do when they're happening. Do I not react to it? Why does he do it and get so upset? Could he be learning this at daycare? I don't see other children acting this way. I now wonder if we spoil him by over-praising him and loving him so much, that he now simply gets this way when he wants something. It's funny because before having a child I thought, no way, my kids won't do that. Pah! Was I wrong. I now realize there are certain things you can't control and well, I believe this behavior is a parent's true test. I'm up, and it's real, but I kind of do feel like we need to nip this in the bud. No? I think this because he isn't close to being 2 years old yet. If he was 2, then it would seem more typical, but he's only 1! What the heck?!

Aside from the tantrums, we cannot be more in love with our little guy. He's so fun most of the time - joking, laughing, pretending, playing. He's eating many more solids now, which makes me happy, but now I need to be more creative with cooking. He's not a big fan of just steamed veggies, so I feel like I might need to be Martha Stewart in the kitchen so that he can enjoy it and eat it all up. His favorite meal right now is plain yogurt, blended with blueberries, banana, and wheat germ - all organic. I love it too actually, but we only make it for him. He's really loving pasta these days, so I think I'm going to sneak in some carrots and maybe peas, although I can totally see him picking them out and throwing them on the floor. We'll see. But yeah, feeding time is exciting right now, at least for me. I'm always thinking of what I can make and what would taste good to him. He's picky, but luckily his palate his changing. He tasted watermelon today after several tries and kept asking for more! I read somewhere that you have to try like 15 times with various foods and that most likely they will end up liking it.

And finally, Javier is sleeping from 7pm to 7am. I never thought that day would come - I am knocking on wood right now. This better not be just another phase. He was doing 7 to 4, then 7 - 5:45, which was the worst because then I couldn't fall asleep again, and that's even with my husband going in there and getting him back down. But these last 3 nights he has stretched it to 7. It is so lovely. I really, really, hope it sticks.

I am thrilled that Summer is almost officially here. Even though we continue to jump hurdles (little hurdles), parenting and raising a little one has become more and more natural. I'm excited for shorts & t-shirts, garden veggies, parks, birds & bunnies, pools, running, cabins, and biking. Doing and seeing all of this and more, with Javier, makes me very happy.

The Battle Begins - Weaning

Before Javier turned 1, I said to myself that I would probably stop breastfeeding as soon as he turned 1. It was simple and easy to think about, and thought, yes, this is what will happen. But, all of sudden I didn't know how to do it. I work in a prenatal clinic, I educate women on breastfeeding, how the heck do I not know how to do it?!


Right when I thought okay, I'll drop the afternoon pump session, I just couldn't do it. I was going through the motions thinking wait this isn't right. The milk was there, the urge to pump was tremendous, and I couldn't stop it! But I got through it. I forced myself to not pump and the urge quickly slipped away. Phew. I pump once a day now, between noon and 1pm.

The actual nursing piece is a huge hurdle for me right now. It's so easy and natural for me to nurse, and Javier is still interested so I just keep thinking why wouldn't I? I believe part of it is that I never produced an abundance of milk like some women do, but it was always sufficient. Now that I still produce it, I just think what a waste to not continue feeding it to Javier. I start to think about cancers and diseases and about how much I could probably be protecting him from.



This inner struggle is wild. I've never felt so conflicted, I don't think. Part of me really wants my body back. I don't want to have to lug the pump around anymore. I have to remember that Javier is eating other foods that will keep him healthy. Yes, all sounds very logical. But then there's the how do I soothe him, what if he really wants to continue nursing, how do I avoid it/reject it? When else will we have this quiet, meditative moment - that "oneness" feeling, again? He's not making it any easier for me - he doesn't even bite! I know all of this sounds a bit nutty, but it's seriously what goes through my head when I think about it. I now know why mothers nurse until children are 3. I absolutely, WILL NOT, be nursing until he's 3, but I now clearly understand.

Anyway, I'm taking it a step at a time. I will be dropping the noon session really soon. Once I do that, I think I will stick with mornings and evenings for a little while longer. Weekends will be a whole other ball game. Any words of wisdom, anyone?

Javierito cumplio 1 año

Our 1 year old weighs 22 lbs and is 30 ½ inches long. Woo-hoo!

Last month, April, was superbly busy. I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off both at home and at work. It has all been fruitful and fun, but now I need a vacation….

Javier turned 1 on April 22nd. I was reminded again and again that he was born on Earth Day and we kept thinking of what we could do to link both of these very special occasions. My husband loves digging in the dirt so he decided that we would plant two apple trees in our giant backyard. Fabulous idea!! He bought two from the U of M and planted them last night. Can’t wait to see Javier pick those apples!



My husband’s birthday was on April 20th and I asked what he wanted to do for his bday. I, of course, was thinking that we could leave Javier with his grandparents and that Jeff and I would go out. When I asked, he said he actually wanted to celebrate with Javier. I didn’t take it personally as I thought, yeah, I would too : ) So, we had a little gathering with friends and their kids and we had some good cake. I thought one birthday would take away from the other, but it actually felt really nice. Javier had no idea what was going and just enjoyed dipping his little finger into frosting the whole time. I could see that Jeff was happy hanging out with family and friends and that this was exactly how he wanted to celebrate.

Javier’s birthday not only landed on Earth Day, but this year, it was also Good Friday. This worked out well for us because we had an extra full day with him! We decided to fly to Chicago for the long weekend to see my family and to celebrate some more. Once again, Javier dug his little finger into frosting and this time around he did it like a pro.


I have to say that it is unreal to me that Javier is 1. People would say that there were going to be so many changes in this first year and it is so true. He is a little person now; totally interacting and speaking his own language. He’s pretty vocal when he’s just with us and it’s so funny because it’s neither Spanish nor English. We think it’s mostly Spanish as I’m picking up on a few words here and there, but overall it’s just sounds with gestures and emotion. I love it! He’s quite funny, which is adorable – he gets that from my husband.


He leans in for kisses and gives us hugs. He’s getting much better at eating foods with texture, but hasn’t mastered eating on his own. The doctor said it was totally fine, so I’m not concerned. I’m still nursing and I’m so ambivalent about weaning. I’ve dropped the late night pump session, but I can’t seem to let go of the other two times I do it. Nursing is still so natural right now for the both of us that I can’t imagine not doing it at all… He is drinking whole milk now too, which is kind of fun. He isn’t drinking much from a regular bottle these days. His daycare nana (it’s what I call her now) is just giving him a cup and she said that he doesn’t want to drink with the cover on. He makes a mess, but prefers it that way. We’re totally okay with that too.

Certain things he’s doing right now:

Likes to cuddle with his blue, Curious George-looking stuffed animal.
Dislikes sitting in car seat for a long time. (There’s that new recommendation thatbabies should be in rear-facing car seats until they’re two. Not going to happen!!!)

Enjoys his shopping cart push-toy.
Is liking bananas!
Likes to grab the remote control and point it to the television (not sure if we love that…).
Loves to pull his socks off.
Knows what “leche” (milk) means.
Likes to point at things.
Plays well with friends.
Knows what “No” is, but does he listen?
LOVES his dad.
Likes to give kisses to babies in books.
Loves to laugh.
Dislikes leaving the park.
Really enjoys taking baths, but hates big pools at the moment.
Is getting tired of diaper changes; if he only understood that pooping in a toilet is so much better! Soon enough, I guess.

Mi Niño - 11 months

He’s crawling, he’s moving, he’s cruising and now he always wants us to “walk” him around the house. He gets upset when we let go and he has to sit again. As soon as he touches our hands he quickly grasps our index fingers and pulls on them, like come on, let's walk! We just can't resist, but I also just want him to take his time. He's into everything now, once he starts walking, forget it! We'll definitely be getting our workout.

At 11 months, he is definitely doing all the right things. He’s babbling and using different sounds; he says dah-dy, which of course sounds like daddy, but sometimes it sounds like doggy. I’m not sure, but if it’s dah-dy, oh well – go figure. He knows what “no” means, but does he listen? NO! Sometimes he does, but he has a smirk on his face and goes back to what he shouldn’t be doing. That’s OK, we are consistent for the most part, so hopefully one day it will click. Javier is starting to feed himself with his spoon. He hates finger food right now, which is a bit frustrating, but he loves using the spoon to scoop and knows to bring it to his mouth. Finger food freaks him out - yeah, we're working on that... He drinks out of a sippy cup, which is great because I think we’ll skip the bottle when we start giving him regular milk. OH! He learned how to clap! It’s the cutest thing ever. I say “bravo” and clap and he does it with a huge smile.


These days have been so fun, but one thing that scared us to death was when just a couple of weeks ago, he choked on a teeny-tiny piece of what looked like the corner of a candy wrapper. It happened in seconds and we had to call the ambulance. We got it out because he finally threw up, but it was the scariest thing ever. The paramedic checked him out even though Javier was fine when they got there and said that babies’ windpipes are narrower than their own little pinkies and that it only takes the tiniest object to block them. What sucked about this one little thing was that it got sticky (with saliva and mucus b/c he had a cold)so it stuck not allowing us to get it out when we tipped him and patted his back. Throwing up is what did it. It was so, so, scary and what was alarming was how quickly it all happened. Hopefully, never again.

(Changes To Weblog)

(I know, I know, how many times am I going to change the template design to the blog?? I just get kind of bored with the templates so I like the freedom I have to change them. I actually wanted to go back to my original template, but I can't find it anymore! Oh well. Life is ever changing, so I thought my blog would be too. But actually, this will be the final "wardrobe" change. It is fun to see all the designs out there, but changing it all the time is a selfish thing to do so I won't do it anymore.

The other reason for the final design is that I think I will start another blog that will encompass everything outside of the LOVE MY SON TO DEATH bubble. At times I find that I do want to write about something totally unrelated to him and it wouldn't make sense to write about it on this blog. So, to keep it consistent I may keep this one going to keep a journal on JM, but I will also start posting on a different blog to write about all the other ideas, thoughts, concepts that make my brain sizzle. Isn't it exciting???! Somewhat, I suppose. We'll see how it goes.)

Mother

I have been very busy these days. The week of Feb 5th - Feb 13th was one of the toughest weeks for me as a mother; both at home and at work. My husband was gone for the first time since we've become parents and he was gone this whole week. I didn't know what to expect. I thought, sure I can do this, and I did do it, but it made me realize how much my husband does for me as a partner and as my son's father. I realized that doing things by myself isn't so much fun and that having breaks from being a mother is truly important, otherwise you're on auto-pilot and you forget to enjoy the simple moments.

The word mother held it's true meaning during this time. I was a single parent to my baby and to the exchange student we host right now. It was constant go, go, go, go. I was glad to be busy because I knew time would fly and Jeff would be back again, but it made me realize, WOW, this is how single moms do it. This is how my mother did it... There were a few things left undone because I simply chose not to do it. The garbage wasn't taken out for that week, Jeff had to throw it out when he came home. I didn't shower a couple of those days because I slept every morning minute the baby did and then before I knew it, it was time to go to work. I didn't go to the gym, AT ALL. Food, I made an abundance a couple of times, so we ate leftovers often. What was important to me was that we were happy and healthy. I played with Javier as much as possible and what was left undone did not matter. I was very grateful though when my husband came home; I have to admit it was quite a relief.

At the beginning of the week, I attended a celebration of life for a woman I knew who had died of breast cancer. She was an amazing woman, Kathleen was, and I had the privilege of working with her for a couple of years when I moved to MN. She was vibrant, smart, full of life, and she battled the cancer for 5 years, she was only 59yrs old. I only saw her a couple of times after leaving that job, but she touched my life in many ways. She left behind many people that loved her and at her celebration of life it was evident that she would be terribly missed. A lot of people were there, and a lot of us cried, but the celebration was truly inspiring. You could hear Kathleen's words of wisdom in everyone that spoke about her. Her three children, now adults, spoke about their mother in such intimate, endearing ways. You knew she was a good mother; someone who guided, someone who provided tough love, someone who was open, someone who expressed that because life is only temporary, every moment of it should be cherished. It was really sad to see Kathleen go, but her words of wisdom and her loving spirit will always shine.

That same week, something interesting happened to me at work. A client of mine came to me and asked me to be her mother. She started out by saying that in her country, this is what they do; she then got on her knees and asked me to be her mother. I almost died. I didn't know how to respond; I instantly was like crap, what are the boundaries again? How do I say no in a way that isn't offensive? All these emotions came crashing like massive waves, and I thought, why is this so hard for me right now? This all came during her telling of her story; she's had a tough life, is new to the country, is pregnant and has no one to turn to. I said 'thank you,' and went on to tell her what I could do for her. I explained my job and told her that what I do for others, I will do for her, and that is to make sure she is stable and healthy, so that her baby is too. She graciously accepted my response and we continued. The moment was so intense though, it stuck with me for a long time after that.

I did a lot of processing to figure out why I was so touched by that moment. The obvious is because I am a new mother. Knowing how much I love my son, that kind of love that is unexplainable, and then to have a young woman who's never had a mother, come to you and ask you to give that to her is an honor. It really made me think about the meaning of mothering and how important and special that is. There is so much that a mother does for a child, and that connection is completely fragile and sensitive as it is powerful and everlasting. This young woman also reminded me that being a mother, a good mother, is probably the toughest job there is on earth.

So yes, this was my tough week in February. I was a single mother, I attended a celebration of life for an amazing mother, and I was asked to be some one's mother. Talk about emotion overload. I had been meaning to write about all of this, but I didn't know quite how to put it into words. I'm glad it's snow day today and that the baby is soundly sleeping - good time to gather thoughts.

Cruising Baby

This is a clip of Javier moving comfortably. He's moving around a lot and his daycare lady said that he'll be walking for sure before he turns 1 in April. I don't know if I'm ready for that, but it's pretty impressive. I think that he's learning a lot from being at daycare and watching all the other kids.

His daycare lady (who loves him dearly!) was excited to tell me a story about Javier playing with the other babies. He was throwing a toy at them in hopes they'd throw it back, but since they couldn't he'd crawl around them, get the toy and go to where he could throw it again. She said that he then crawled to the crib, put the toy in his mouth, pulled himself up, then threw the toy in the crib. She added that he was one smart cookie. :) See, it's nice to blog, b/c you can brag freely!!

Anyway, here's a video of my little guy movin' around...

Loving things about Javier

There are so many little things I love about Javier right now that I thought I’d jot them down. He turned 9 months old on Sat (1/22) and the list could be endless, but I’ll just put down the few I tend to look forward to most.

Hands down, #1: When I’m nursing him right before he goes to bed, he does this thing with his hand that is so sweet. He caresses my other arm softly as if he were telling me that everything is going to be OK. His eyes are closed too, so I think he likes to know I’m still there. Whatever the case, I absolutely love it.

· His giggle is so contagious, and he loves to be tickled. So when we get him rolling, his tears bring on our tears. It’s like nothing else in the world could matter more.
· He cuddles right in when I pick him up from his crib in the morning. And he makes this little noise that’s like; there’s mama.
· When he’s in his bouncy apparatus he bounces a few times and then freezes by stiffening his legs and stopping his bounce. It’s this little game we play now where I say, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy freeze! And he does it at the same time!
· Okay, one more. When we get home from being out, and I go to pull him out of the car seat, he looks at me with the corner of his eye. Then when I get closer to him, he tries to smile with the pacifier in his mouth. Sometimes he even pops it out to smile. It is so darn cute.

My little guy is getting big and I really need to treasure every moment. I do, and I hope I can capture every single little thing, and not forget it! Sometimes I look at him, and still can’t believe he’s a part of us, a part of me. That feeling is just indescribable.

Two Telling Moments

My husband and I have this thing where we kiss each other when we separate or come together. We’ve been doing this from the very beginning of our relationship and it’s something that comes naturally to us. So the other day, Jeff came home and I was holding the baby. He came towards me and gave me a kiss and Javier started to giggle. We all giggled, and my husband and I thought, let’s do it again and see if he giggles again. He did!! He watched us with a smiley face and as soon as we kissed he laughed. It was the cutest thing ever and we thought, well heck if kissing makes him happy, we’ll just do it all the time…

The beauty of this is the reminder that babies/children will watch every move you make and will react to it in one way or another. Children are super smart and they will catch on when something positive or negative is happening. I think of all the families that have a lot of negative things happening in their homes and how children are in the middle of all of that. I believe that this is why we have disturbed children who then become troubled adults who then have dysfunctional families. If people could just UNDERSTAND that everything they do in front of their children, is extremely influential, then maybe people would behave with more care.

I see the dysfunction in the families I work with, and it’s just something I hope I can help them with so they too can break the cycle and show their kids what it is to love and show affection towards one another.

Now that my almost 9 month old (tomorrow!) is crawling, pulling himself up, and standing all the time, he’s now experiencing a petty sleep habit. He wakes up between 4-6am and thinks it’s time to play!! No way!! I can’t handle it, but understand that it’s a developmental thing and that now we have to help him get through it. AH, this is what it means to be a good parent and it is the hardest thing we’ve had to do yet. And that is, letting him Cry It Out.

Javier doesn’t cry very much, but when he does, man, he let’s you know he’s pissed. My husband attributes that to my Latin blood… I say it’s my husband’s stubbornness… Anyway, I do get an anxious tick when I hear my baby cry and so like most moms (and parents) we pick him up. He has always slept pretty well, so picking him up, nursing him and putting him back down has never really been an issue, but now there’s a whole world for him to explore and he wants to do at the crack of dawn. I’m not letting him have this one.

So just this morning, he woke up at 4:40am and we both lied there and thought, shoot, here’s the moment; our hearts were thumping, and we both froze. Javier started to cry hard and we talked through it: “OK, 10 minutes and then Jeff, go in there, put in the pacifier if he takes it, shush him and walk out.” Ten grueling minutes passed so Jeff went in, but he was in there forever!! I kept thinking, hurry up and leave! Finally, he comes back and I was like, what the heck were you doing in there?! No answer. Well, then of course, Javier’s starts crying hard, again. We both lied there quietly, and it wasn’t too bad. Javier would fade, then got the hiccups, then cried, and we decided that I would nurse him for a little bit to make sure he wasn’t hungry. He ate a little bit and then I put him back down. We let him cry for 20 more min. It totally worked! He fell asleep at 5:30 and woke up at 7:30am. It was hard, but then heavenly. We all slept soundly.

The book, Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Children said to go cold turkey. We cheated a little bit, but for the most part let him cry. The book also stated that crying has an amnesic affect (which is why it is great to cry in general) so babies eventually fall asleep and forget why they even woke up. Aaah, to know all of this is such a relief and helps to not feel guilty.

Approaching 9

9 months, that is. This little boy is giving us a sneak peak of what the next, oh, 18years are going to be like. He has started to pull himself up in his crib and actually tries to hang on with one hand. When he does, he gets all excited and looks at me like, look mom!! He is crawling everywhere and really fast. He isn’t afraid of anything, which I like but at the same time scares me! I don’t know which is worse, a kid who is fearless, or a child who is fearful?? I think both extremes are hard to handle…

Well, now that the holidays are over, I can say that we had a very successful season. My family made it into town and they were all able to enjoy the house, the snow, and each other. My family actually makes the best of our times together since most of us live in separate states. We ate, drank, and played with the kids – three things we love to do.

We were even able to baptize our little guy, given that everyone was in town. We were going to do in a church, but thought it may be a long time before we’re together like this so we went ahead with it in our home. It was so nice and so intimate. Both sides of the family were there, plus the priest that married my husband and me. We chose God-couples since we really wanted to have all four people involved.

We chose my older sister and her husband because she’s my oldest sister who somewhat raised me, who always wanted me to succeed, and who was there when I labored for Javier for 40 hrs! She was there for 2 days (9 days passed my due-date) thinking for sure I would’ve had the baby then, but couldn’t stay due to work. The baby was born the next day, but needless to say she was an incredible help during that time. Her husband is a hard-working, honest, and generous man and we thought he would be great as Javier’s godfather.

Jeff’s sister and husband we chose because we “shared” a duplex with them and I got to really know them. They were such great neighbors, and I miss them now that we live apart!! They are an amazing couple, who have huge hearts and are just the kindest people. They are both gentle and loving and it was just a natural decision to have them as Javier’s godparents.

Back to Christmas for a second: In one of my previous posts, I wrote about not being able to believe in Santa. Well, now that I’ve spoken to several people about it, I have to say that I don’t dislike him anymore. I understand now that Santa is there for children’s imagination and that the image allows kids to also believe in magic. I do want Javier to have an imagination and to be able to have imaginative experiences so that he can always try to reach for what might be unthinkable… I guess my fear was that he would be disappointed, in various ways, but if we present it to him in a fun and “theatrical” way, then he may truly enjoy it. And, I think the goal simply is to remind him that Christmas has many different meanings. See look, he likes the sound of that...

Now back to baptism: A friend asked, why are you baptizing Javier and why now? Part of it is because Javier is no longer this newborn who has no clue what is going on around him. He has a personality that is charming, inquisitive, and it continues to grow as he explores the world around him. Faith, and not a specific faith, but just faith is important in my world, and I think that a baptism is in introduction to this concept. I know he doesn’t know what that is right now, but in my spiritual reality, this concept of faith is what lets me live and I want him to feel that. I have to have faith in the world and in people to live a fulfilling life and I would like to pass that feeling on to Javier. This baptism wasn’t to put him in a “box” of Catholicism (which the Priest is and the ceremony was), but it was more of a spiritual gift to Javier symbolizing that life will be complex, and that life will be beautiful and ugly at the same time, but that with faith, he’ll live a fulfilling and rewarding life. If anything, this baptism was more for us adults (which I believe is the case everywhere) as a renewal of faith and of hope, and I guess it was a symbolic way to pass it on.

Sorry, long and maybe a bit heavy, but it’s been a while since I’ve written. Lots to think about.

Not Believing in Santa

I know this is so evil of me, but I don’t believe in Santa. I never did, and I don’t know if I ever will. Now that I have a child, I’m thinking of ways to keep Santa away. Far, far, away. But we all know that this is impossible.

Growing up, Santa “came” to the house, but I always knew that it was my mom putting presents underneath the tree, and that it really wasn’t Santa. I always knew he wasn’t real...but that was OK. My mom never presented Santa as this magical man who’d come to your house if you were nice, and that if you behaved all year long, he would bring you everything you could wish for. This “magic” didn’t exist in our world, and well, it was always OK. Part of that was that my mom couldn't afford to buy us gifts and so there were no wish-lists. Back then, it might've been kind of sad, but now, I appreciate it. I didn't grow up expecting and I can admit that it shaped my view on what Christmas should really be about.

Now that I have a kiddo, and I tell people that Santa will not be “coming” to the house, they look at me like I’m this crazy, twisted, mom. Santa is so connected to consumerism and I really struggle with the Christmas holiday just for that reason. People spend way too much money, and there is so much greed in the air. There are so many expectations and if they aren’t met people and children are disappointed! I just think it’s a waste. And then I think of those who can't have Santa come to their home (like me!) and I think gosh, they think x-mas sucks b/c they simply didn't get any gifts. That's not what it's all about!!!

To put in a different perspective, a friend mentioned that how do you then let your child have wishes and dreams during the holiday season. I see that, but I only see how people/children link dreams and wishes to the gift-giving Santa. Why can't Santa include that Christmas is not all about getting toys. "He" doesn't say that it could be about love, about sharing happiness, about finding peace and joy in friendships and family and maybe helping others do the same. These are good dreams, no? I never hear Santa talk about any of this! If he did, then maybe I would be OK with him.

So, how do I explain this to our little boy? Thank god I don’t have to do it now, as he’s only 8 months old and doesn’t get it yet, but it won’t be long before he starts to and well, I want to be prepared. I know that the meaning of Christmas is different for everyone, but I want it to be something meaningful to him. I can’t keep Santa away from him, I know. And I know that he could ruin it for other children and then I’ll have parents breaking down our doors and kicking our asses. But, I will be adamant about reducing the Santa attraction, that I know will be for sure. I just need to figure out how!

This x-mas, we’ll be getting together with family from both sides of the family; with those living in MN, and then my family coming in from Chicago and Austin. We do have a tree, but it only has lights and a Peace sign on top and we only got it b/c our friend/realtor gave us one - but we are grateful, and it is beautiful. There will be gifts, but not from Santa, just from cousins, Tios, Tias, Abuelitas and grandpa. We scratched “secret santa” from my side of the family (Alleluia!), but not from my husband’s side. We’ll work harder on that next year. We’ll go to Church and say our thank you’s to God for an amazing, but crazy-ass year. And then we’ll eat and drink and definitely be merry. This is what our Christmas will look like this year…

One or Two

I've been so busy, that it looks like one blog post a month will have to do these days... This is what's been rumbling in my brain lately.

I’ve been thinking a lot about whether we should have another child or not. The reality is that I’m not getting any younger – I just turned 35 and if we are going to have another child, we should start thinking about it now. Although, my son is almost 8 months old and I’m really enjoying my time with just him. I can’t imagine having another little one right now (even though it won’t be right now) and it’s hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that we’d be raising two children.

Raising children in general is hard. Parents do it to their utmost capability, but to me, this is a very scary thing. It scares me for many reasons and unfortunately this stems from all the not-so-pleasant things I’ve experienced in my own life, and also the unpleasant things I’ve seen in the work that I do. I know what’s out there; I see the pain, the misery, the poverty, and the injustices. Now, there is a big, big, cynic inside of me and I know that this side of me tends to dominate so if I put this aside I really can, and do, see the beauty in the world. But the world is a very, very complex place to live in and it will never be simple - not in my world at least (it'd be so boring!). But really, how do I set aside my own biases, my own realities, my own fears, when I’m raising children?

When I tell people these things, they think I’m crazy. They say I’m thinking way too much about all of this and that I should just chill and enjoy. Ah, if life could be this easy for me. I’ve chilled and enjoyed in my life (almost too much at times…) and now I’m a real adult, I’m a freakin’ parent! To me, Parent is a loaded word. It’s a role in life that can have so much impact; it is so influential. I’m responsible for another human being; this is something that I cannot take lightly. To raise one child is hard enough, so how do I become comfortable with two. Also, I want to believe that there are really important reasons to why you bring children into the world and I don’t want to just have them, just to have them.

So anyway, this is what I'm battling right now. I'm right in the middle at the moment, 50% of me says don't do it, 50% says do it. I do need to decide somewhat soon though and I'm not sure what it will take. My husband, of course, has a say in this. I asked him the other day and he said it's too soon to talk about this. I liked that answer.

Slowing Down for 7th Month

Javier is going to be 7 months old on 11/22. He is incredible. At times, I can't even describe what I feel for this little being. He is at an age where everything is of interest. It's like....he woke up! It's so wonderful to see. His eyes go to anything and everything and he wants to touch everything. I love to look at his eyes as he explores, as he learns, and I try to look for any impressions. Colorful, bold images are his favorite and he touches them gently as if he thought they were fragile. He has these little animals that look like they're walking across the drapes in his room and every morning when I raise the shade he smiles at his little friends. He reaches out to them and puts his hands to them - it is the most endearing thing ever.

We felt his first tooth about a week ago. It's his bottom left tooth and I have to say that it was exciting, but sort of strange too, to discover. I didn't think I'd feel any sort of emotion, but I did. I just think that it's amazing how time flies and how quickly people grow. It was just a reminder that he's definitely growing, thriving, and evolving, and it is beautiful to capture.

Lately, I've really been trying to live in the moment. I've tried for many, many years and it's truly hard. I get so caught up on planning and coordinating that I hardly think of the present moment. I'm doing it now as I write - I hear my son and husband playing and I'm thinking, "OK, as soon as I'm done here I'm going to throw a load of laundry in the machine and then clean, and then feed the baby!" I realize that I do this everyday, whether I'm at home or at work.


I need to stop multi-tasking too. I think that's detrimental to living in the moment. I want to thoroughly experience everything that I do because it's not only good for my brain and thought process, but also for my emotional well-being. I won't stress or worry and I will possibly just go with the flow. I believe that if I do this, I will cherish every moment with my new little family. There will always be things to do, but needing to do them all at the same time isn't and shouldn't be so important. There is a time for everything and if I teach myself this, and do it well, then I know I'll be passing along to my son something that is good to live by.

5 Months Old Today

I have a 5 month old! Yay, it’s very fun to say, but very hard to believe… He is at such a fun age though, and I can’t do anything else, but love him more and more – if that’s even possible.
This is what he’s up to at 5 months:
Laughs
Smiles at people
Gets excited when he sees mama and papa
Likes to fall asleep on his side
Almost sleeps the whole night, almost
Reaches for everything, wants to touch everything
Loves to hear himself – yelps, screeches, and repeats sounds
Likes the exer-saucer
Found his feet!
Very interested in what mama and papa eat
Looks at the TV like he knows exactly what he’s watching
Likes to snuggle
Put his head on my shoulder for the 1st time just this morning – it was heavenly

He has been invited to 2 birthday parties this weekend, which should be a lot of fun. I’m trying to think of how to be creative with gifts since he will most likely be going to many, many birthday parties.

His daycare decided that cloth diapering is too much for them. I can understand. We’re using 7 Generation disposables while he’s there and they seem to work very well. They’re a good product; we don’t feel so bad.

Now we’re getting ready for colder weather. It seems as though he grows quickly and right when I want him to wear something cute, he’s grown out of it! Winter clothing, and winter living, should be interesting. How am I going to walk on slippery sidewalks while holding him??? I can barely do it when I’m by myself.

The house is coming along. A friend said they bet it looks amazing. Amazing is not quite the right word – let’s just say it’s much more comfortable and functional.

Grandma from Chicago is coming on Sat! We’re gearing up for some good ol’ home-cooking. Javier is gearing up for some extra snuggles and kisses : D

Postpartum Anxiety - there you are

Postpartum Anxiety. That’s what it is, that’s what I felt for about 4 weeks or so. It has gotten much better, but I definitely had it there for a little while. As I started to wonder why I was feeling so anxious, why the fears, why the intrusive thoughts, I also thought - so this is how it happens. This is what happens to so many women when they have a baby and all of sudden the world spins (in your brain) – out of control – not knowing how to make it stop.

For me, it’s been like this; I’ve had a history of mild depression and anxiety, nothing new, nothing I can’t handle. It’s genetic, for sure, I see it run rampant in my family, but it has also always been environmental. I learned to manage it with exercise and prayer – it always works. Right when I had Javier, I was in the honeymoon phase. I loved just spending time with my little guy, getting to know him, and doing anything I could to make him happy. I was also hyper-aware of my thoughts though, my feelings, as I knew I was prone to postpartum depression. But it didn’t happen then, I was feeling good and healthy and thought, phew! I made it. Not exactly. I read that postpartum anxiety or depression can appear within the 1 year of having given birth. Mine came up about 2 months after Javier was born.

It all happened at once - I think that was the problem! We had a baby, bought a home, packed our stuff and moved. Little did I know that this was going to have an impact on me. Part of it was that the home needed (and needs) a lot of work. My husband has been working like crazy on it, but the timing for all of this just hasn’t been so good. I wanted us to feel like a family in a great new home, and that wasn’t happening! I accepted and tried to move on, but as I did, the uninvited anxiety started to creep up. It took on in a way that wasn’t expected. I started to feel scared, worried, and anxious, sometimes for no reason. I started to think crazy thoughts like what if we’re all going to die soon, why did I have the baby, how am I going to protect him, what if I can do this? What if the planes overhead fall out of the sky and onto our home(we're in a flight path)? All these thoughts, and more. The worse part was that I was thinking them at night and when I’d wake up to nurse the baby. Not the best time to have all these bleak thoughts let me tell ya… All of this influenced my behavior too. I wasn’t hanging out with people, wasn’t going out, people would tell me “you’re not yourself.” I kind of knew it, but was kind of in denial too. Who wants to admit they're not feeling oh so happy.

Another way it shaped my behavior or thoughts was that I wanted to make sure that Javier was safe in every way possible. When we first moved into the house, I noticed there were several spiders crawling around. Different looking spiders too. I never feared spiders (in Guatemala, we lived with tarantulas!) and I know that spiders are good to have around, but for some reason I wasn’t happy with this. I would lie in bed at night thinking that maybe I should put a net over the baby. Then I thought, what if he swallows them, or they crawl into his ears or eyes? I was thinking horror-movie thoughts. My heart would pound; I would sometimes sweat. I knew then it was anxiety and I had to try really hard to let it go. I stopped myself from thinking these things, I would breathe, and I was able to sleep it off. The next morning I would think, damn that was nuts, but I knew what it was and it made me feel better knowing where it was all coming from.

All I wanted to do was work on the house too - make sure it was clean all the time (a little OCDishly). I would tell my husband we needed to make sure doors and windows were locked at night (I still kind of do this, but this comes from way back). I also want every project in the house to be done, like, now! I know this is impossible, but I’ve told people that I just want to feel normal again. I want everything to feel familiar. I know that everything I want done is external or physical so I am learning to let that go and work on what’s going on inside my brain. That’s where it all starts.

Lately and luckily, all of this has lifted somewhat mainly due to some cognitive therapy. I stop the thoughts and I don’t let them control me. This is easier said than done, but it works for the most part. I’ve also started taking my vitamins again and I started to exercise. I know this all works already, but it is amazing what a hold anxiety can have on you. Mine was/is mild, but for those people who have it full-blown, I feel for you.

I think women need to talk about this. They need to express their fears and realize they're not the only ones. This happens to so many women (as I read their blogs too), but many of us keep it to ourselves. We don’t want others to think that we’re unfit or that we’re crazy. We may not even know how to express it or how to bring it up with someone, but something has to be done. It’s a tortuous way to live and we need to find the strength to recognize it and change it.

I don’t think I’m in the clear just yet, but I’m on the right path – I think. I’m feeling happier and healthier again and I hope to remain this way. My baby definitely keeps me going, and my husband's positive energy does too. I absolutely thank God for that.

4 Months Old

Javier turned 4 months old on Aug 22nd. We’ve been taking him to daycare for 3 weeks now and sometimes it’s OK, sometimes it’s not. I’m struggling, but trying to remain positive. What kills me is that I’m at work more than I’m with him, and I feel like that’s just not right. I know he’s having fun and I know that being there, for him, can be a good thing, but I have this weird feeling about the whole idea. How is it that I have a child and then I turn around 3 months later and hand him over to other people to care for him - to somewhat, raise him. My husband and I should be doing that. The time he spends at daycare is very valuable time and I think that Javier is being short-changed because we have to be at work. I don’t know, just seems odd to me and I just feel torn. But what do I do, quit my job? I can’t! So then, how do I accept that this is what you do – how do I come to terms with the fact that in our culture, most of us drop our kids off at daycare and go to work?

Aside from this daycare dilemma, Javier is adapting so well to life on this planet. He’s very chill, very comfortable, and seems to be taking it all in. He’s very alert and absorbs everything around him. He loves to smile, giggles at times, and is truly delightful to be around. We are very lucky and we are very proud. A good example is that I took him to Chicago to meet his extended family and we took a 9 hr bus ride. Not once did he cry. People around me were nervous at first, but then I was told that they’d forget there was a baby on the bus. The same was when we returned. It was only 7 hrs back and he ended up sleeping through half the trip. An older lady had complimented on what a good baby he was. My husband and I can tell he loves to be around people, which I’m grateful for. He’s beginning to show signs of having a very healthy and fruitful personality. People are saying to watch out though – our next one may not be so easy…


Javier has finally slept through the night without a feeding! He’s done this twice already and boy does it feel good. I’ve woken up and thought, I should go check on him – make sure he’s breathing, but I fall back to sleep trusting that he is. Sure enough, he wakes us up at about 6am and is then ready to eat. He starts his day with a smile, something I need to learn how to do. I have to admit, my son keeps me young in so many ways.

And my goodness, how time is flying. He is growing, thriving, showing a personality, so many wonderful and amazing things happening. I love this so far, this being a mom/parent thing and I’m so excited for more! I still can’t believe that I have an offspring though. It hasn’t sunk in and I don’t know if it ever will.

5 weeks later

Where do I begin!!! People have been saying lately that my husband and I have done the two most stressful things in life - having a baby and moving into a new home. I didn't know this and never really thought about it, but yes, they are probably the two most stressful things I've done in my life. Even so, my life with Javier has been so delightful. He is getting bigger and bigger and the precious moments are abundant. The house is coming along, but it'll be awhile before it feels like home... Lots to do, but in the end it'll be fabulous.

Javier continues to be the cutest baby in the world. OK, maybe not the cutest in the world, but pretty darn close. He continues to smile and coo all the time and is definitely recognizing my husband and me. When he hears our voices he looks over and stares. He always knew who we were, but now he is able to express it and it's so fun. My favorite time right now is when he wakes up from naps and smiles when he sees me. It's such an amazingly, warm feeling.

So, something I wanted to improve with the baby was that he was sleeping during the day in my arms - way too much. Every time I'd put him down in his moses basket for a nap, he'd wake up 10 min later and cry. I didn't want to do the CIO (cry it out) thing because I thought he was too young for that, but I really didn't know what else to do. He would also sleep in a chair that was set up as a swing, but not all the time. So obviously he only slept in arms or to movement. I loved holding him and snuggling with him, but it wasn't fair to him. I felt that he would probably sleep better on his own in his own bed, and without movement. So I tried and tried, until something miraculous happened. Javier was getting a little too big for his moses basket so I decided to put him in a pack-n-play because we were going to use on vacation. I put him in there when he fell asleep and he slept in there for 2 hours! I thought maybe it was a fluke, but it wasn't - he loves it. We put him in there every single time and now he naps and sleeps in it at night with no fuss. This was a huge milestone for us. He is also now starting to fall asleep on his own. This has only happened a few times, but it's getting better.

We're going to start daycare in a week and I'm very nervous about it. We chose an in-home daycare that is run by a Mexican woman. She has 2 other women that help her, which I think is great. They all only speak Spanish to the kids, which is great too. Leaving my child with a complete stranger sounds awful, but the reality is we have no choice. The positive side of it is that Javier will socialize with other children, he'll learn to speak Spanish, and I do have a good feeling that he will be cared for appropriately. We'll see how it goes.

Javier is now 3 months old! How does that happen? I'm trying to enjoy every moment with him. It's hard when you have a new house to settle into and projects galore to finish, but it's OK. We manage, and being on short family vacations is helping to spend that quality time together. We just got back from one and getting ready for the next... Busy, busy, busy.