One or Two

I've been so busy, that it looks like one blog post a month will have to do these days... This is what's been rumbling in my brain lately.

I’ve been thinking a lot about whether we should have another child or not. The reality is that I’m not getting any younger – I just turned 35 and if we are going to have another child, we should start thinking about it now. Although, my son is almost 8 months old and I’m really enjoying my time with just him. I can’t imagine having another little one right now (even though it won’t be right now) and it’s hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that we’d be raising two children.

Raising children in general is hard. Parents do it to their utmost capability, but to me, this is a very scary thing. It scares me for many reasons and unfortunately this stems from all the not-so-pleasant things I’ve experienced in my own life, and also the unpleasant things I’ve seen in the work that I do. I know what’s out there; I see the pain, the misery, the poverty, and the injustices. Now, there is a big, big, cynic inside of me and I know that this side of me tends to dominate so if I put this aside I really can, and do, see the beauty in the world. But the world is a very, very complex place to live in and it will never be simple - not in my world at least (it'd be so boring!). But really, how do I set aside my own biases, my own realities, my own fears, when I’m raising children?

When I tell people these things, they think I’m crazy. They say I’m thinking way too much about all of this and that I should just chill and enjoy. Ah, if life could be this easy for me. I’ve chilled and enjoyed in my life (almost too much at times…) and now I’m a real adult, I’m a freakin’ parent! To me, Parent is a loaded word. It’s a role in life that can have so much impact; it is so influential. I’m responsible for another human being; this is something that I cannot take lightly. To raise one child is hard enough, so how do I become comfortable with two. Also, I want to believe that there are really important reasons to why you bring children into the world and I don’t want to just have them, just to have them.

So anyway, this is what I'm battling right now. I'm right in the middle at the moment, 50% of me says don't do it, 50% says do it. I do need to decide somewhat soon though and I'm not sure what it will take. My husband, of course, has a say in this. I asked him the other day and he said it's too soon to talk about this. I liked that answer.

Slowing Down for 7th Month

Javier is going to be 7 months old on 11/22. He is incredible. At times, I can't even describe what I feel for this little being. He is at an age where everything is of interest. It's like....he woke up! It's so wonderful to see. His eyes go to anything and everything and he wants to touch everything. I love to look at his eyes as he explores, as he learns, and I try to look for any impressions. Colorful, bold images are his favorite and he touches them gently as if he thought they were fragile. He has these little animals that look like they're walking across the drapes in his room and every morning when I raise the shade he smiles at his little friends. He reaches out to them and puts his hands to them - it is the most endearing thing ever.

We felt his first tooth about a week ago. It's his bottom left tooth and I have to say that it was exciting, but sort of strange too, to discover. I didn't think I'd feel any sort of emotion, but I did. I just think that it's amazing how time flies and how quickly people grow. It was just a reminder that he's definitely growing, thriving, and evolving, and it is beautiful to capture.

Lately, I've really been trying to live in the moment. I've tried for many, many years and it's truly hard. I get so caught up on planning and coordinating that I hardly think of the present moment. I'm doing it now as I write - I hear my son and husband playing and I'm thinking, "OK, as soon as I'm done here I'm going to throw a load of laundry in the machine and then clean, and then feed the baby!" I realize that I do this everyday, whether I'm at home or at work.


I need to stop multi-tasking too. I think that's detrimental to living in the moment. I want to thoroughly experience everything that I do because it's not only good for my brain and thought process, but also for my emotional well-being. I won't stress or worry and I will possibly just go with the flow. I believe that if I do this, I will cherish every moment with my new little family. There will always be things to do, but needing to do them all at the same time isn't and shouldn't be so important. There is a time for everything and if I teach myself this, and do it well, then I know I'll be passing along to my son something that is good to live by.

5 Months Old Today

I have a 5 month old! Yay, it’s very fun to say, but very hard to believe… He is at such a fun age though, and I can’t do anything else, but love him more and more – if that’s even possible.
This is what he’s up to at 5 months:
Laughs
Smiles at people
Gets excited when he sees mama and papa
Likes to fall asleep on his side
Almost sleeps the whole night, almost
Reaches for everything, wants to touch everything
Loves to hear himself – yelps, screeches, and repeats sounds
Likes the exer-saucer
Found his feet!
Very interested in what mama and papa eat
Looks at the TV like he knows exactly what he’s watching
Likes to snuggle
Put his head on my shoulder for the 1st time just this morning – it was heavenly

He has been invited to 2 birthday parties this weekend, which should be a lot of fun. I’m trying to think of how to be creative with gifts since he will most likely be going to many, many birthday parties.

His daycare decided that cloth diapering is too much for them. I can understand. We’re using 7 Generation disposables while he’s there and they seem to work very well. They’re a good product; we don’t feel so bad.

Now we’re getting ready for colder weather. It seems as though he grows quickly and right when I want him to wear something cute, he’s grown out of it! Winter clothing, and winter living, should be interesting. How am I going to walk on slippery sidewalks while holding him??? I can barely do it when I’m by myself.

The house is coming along. A friend said they bet it looks amazing. Amazing is not quite the right word – let’s just say it’s much more comfortable and functional.

Grandma from Chicago is coming on Sat! We’re gearing up for some good ol’ home-cooking. Javier is gearing up for some extra snuggles and kisses : D

Postpartum Anxiety - there you are

Postpartum Anxiety. That’s what it is, that’s what I felt for about 4 weeks or so. It has gotten much better, but I definitely had it there for a little while. As I started to wonder why I was feeling so anxious, why the fears, why the intrusive thoughts, I also thought - so this is how it happens. This is what happens to so many women when they have a baby and all of sudden the world spins (in your brain) – out of control – not knowing how to make it stop.

For me, it’s been like this; I’ve had a history of mild depression and anxiety, nothing new, nothing I can’t handle. It’s genetic, for sure, I see it run rampant in my family, but it has also always been environmental. I learned to manage it with exercise and prayer – it always works. Right when I had Javier, I was in the honeymoon phase. I loved just spending time with my little guy, getting to know him, and doing anything I could to make him happy. I was also hyper-aware of my thoughts though, my feelings, as I knew I was prone to postpartum depression. But it didn’t happen then, I was feeling good and healthy and thought, phew! I made it. Not exactly. I read that postpartum anxiety or depression can appear within the 1 year of having given birth. Mine came up about 2 months after Javier was born.

It all happened at once - I think that was the problem! We had a baby, bought a home, packed our stuff and moved. Little did I know that this was going to have an impact on me. Part of it was that the home needed (and needs) a lot of work. My husband has been working like crazy on it, but the timing for all of this just hasn’t been so good. I wanted us to feel like a family in a great new home, and that wasn’t happening! I accepted and tried to move on, but as I did, the uninvited anxiety started to creep up. It took on in a way that wasn’t expected. I started to feel scared, worried, and anxious, sometimes for no reason. I started to think crazy thoughts like what if we’re all going to die soon, why did I have the baby, how am I going to protect him, what if I can do this? What if the planes overhead fall out of the sky and onto our home(we're in a flight path)? All these thoughts, and more. The worse part was that I was thinking them at night and when I’d wake up to nurse the baby. Not the best time to have all these bleak thoughts let me tell ya… All of this influenced my behavior too. I wasn’t hanging out with people, wasn’t going out, people would tell me “you’re not yourself.” I kind of knew it, but was kind of in denial too. Who wants to admit they're not feeling oh so happy.

Another way it shaped my behavior or thoughts was that I wanted to make sure that Javier was safe in every way possible. When we first moved into the house, I noticed there were several spiders crawling around. Different looking spiders too. I never feared spiders (in Guatemala, we lived with tarantulas!) and I know that spiders are good to have around, but for some reason I wasn’t happy with this. I would lie in bed at night thinking that maybe I should put a net over the baby. Then I thought, what if he swallows them, or they crawl into his ears or eyes? I was thinking horror-movie thoughts. My heart would pound; I would sometimes sweat. I knew then it was anxiety and I had to try really hard to let it go. I stopped myself from thinking these things, I would breathe, and I was able to sleep it off. The next morning I would think, damn that was nuts, but I knew what it was and it made me feel better knowing where it was all coming from.

All I wanted to do was work on the house too - make sure it was clean all the time (a little OCDishly). I would tell my husband we needed to make sure doors and windows were locked at night (I still kind of do this, but this comes from way back). I also want every project in the house to be done, like, now! I know this is impossible, but I’ve told people that I just want to feel normal again. I want everything to feel familiar. I know that everything I want done is external or physical so I am learning to let that go and work on what’s going on inside my brain. That’s where it all starts.

Lately and luckily, all of this has lifted somewhat mainly due to some cognitive therapy. I stop the thoughts and I don’t let them control me. This is easier said than done, but it works for the most part. I’ve also started taking my vitamins again and I started to exercise. I know this all works already, but it is amazing what a hold anxiety can have on you. Mine was/is mild, but for those people who have it full-blown, I feel for you.

I think women need to talk about this. They need to express their fears and realize they're not the only ones. This happens to so many women (as I read their blogs too), but many of us keep it to ourselves. We don’t want others to think that we’re unfit or that we’re crazy. We may not even know how to express it or how to bring it up with someone, but something has to be done. It’s a tortuous way to live and we need to find the strength to recognize it and change it.

I don’t think I’m in the clear just yet, but I’m on the right path – I think. I’m feeling happier and healthier again and I hope to remain this way. My baby definitely keeps me going, and my husband's positive energy does too. I absolutely thank God for that.

4 Months Old

Javier turned 4 months old on Aug 22nd. We’ve been taking him to daycare for 3 weeks now and sometimes it’s OK, sometimes it’s not. I’m struggling, but trying to remain positive. What kills me is that I’m at work more than I’m with him, and I feel like that’s just not right. I know he’s having fun and I know that being there, for him, can be a good thing, but I have this weird feeling about the whole idea. How is it that I have a child and then I turn around 3 months later and hand him over to other people to care for him - to somewhat, raise him. My husband and I should be doing that. The time he spends at daycare is very valuable time and I think that Javier is being short-changed because we have to be at work. I don’t know, just seems odd to me and I just feel torn. But what do I do, quit my job? I can’t! So then, how do I accept that this is what you do – how do I come to terms with the fact that in our culture, most of us drop our kids off at daycare and go to work?

Aside from this daycare dilemma, Javier is adapting so well to life on this planet. He’s very chill, very comfortable, and seems to be taking it all in. He’s very alert and absorbs everything around him. He loves to smile, giggles at times, and is truly delightful to be around. We are very lucky and we are very proud. A good example is that I took him to Chicago to meet his extended family and we took a 9 hr bus ride. Not once did he cry. People around me were nervous at first, but then I was told that they’d forget there was a baby on the bus. The same was when we returned. It was only 7 hrs back and he ended up sleeping through half the trip. An older lady had complimented on what a good baby he was. My husband and I can tell he loves to be around people, which I’m grateful for. He’s beginning to show signs of having a very healthy and fruitful personality. People are saying to watch out though – our next one may not be so easy…


Javier has finally slept through the night without a feeding! He’s done this twice already and boy does it feel good. I’ve woken up and thought, I should go check on him – make sure he’s breathing, but I fall back to sleep trusting that he is. Sure enough, he wakes us up at about 6am and is then ready to eat. He starts his day with a smile, something I need to learn how to do. I have to admit, my son keeps me young in so many ways.

And my goodness, how time is flying. He is growing, thriving, showing a personality, so many wonderful and amazing things happening. I love this so far, this being a mom/parent thing and I’m so excited for more! I still can’t believe that I have an offspring though. It hasn’t sunk in and I don’t know if it ever will.

5 weeks later

Where do I begin!!! People have been saying lately that my husband and I have done the two most stressful things in life - having a baby and moving into a new home. I didn't know this and never really thought about it, but yes, they are probably the two most stressful things I've done in my life. Even so, my life with Javier has been so delightful. He is getting bigger and bigger and the precious moments are abundant. The house is coming along, but it'll be awhile before it feels like home... Lots to do, but in the end it'll be fabulous.

Javier continues to be the cutest baby in the world. OK, maybe not the cutest in the world, but pretty darn close. He continues to smile and coo all the time and is definitely recognizing my husband and me. When he hears our voices he looks over and stares. He always knew who we were, but now he is able to express it and it's so fun. My favorite time right now is when he wakes up from naps and smiles when he sees me. It's such an amazingly, warm feeling.

So, something I wanted to improve with the baby was that he was sleeping during the day in my arms - way too much. Every time I'd put him down in his moses basket for a nap, he'd wake up 10 min later and cry. I didn't want to do the CIO (cry it out) thing because I thought he was too young for that, but I really didn't know what else to do. He would also sleep in a chair that was set up as a swing, but not all the time. So obviously he only slept in arms or to movement. I loved holding him and snuggling with him, but it wasn't fair to him. I felt that he would probably sleep better on his own in his own bed, and without movement. So I tried and tried, until something miraculous happened. Javier was getting a little too big for his moses basket so I decided to put him in a pack-n-play because we were going to use on vacation. I put him in there when he fell asleep and he slept in there for 2 hours! I thought maybe it was a fluke, but it wasn't - he loves it. We put him in there every single time and now he naps and sleeps in it at night with no fuss. This was a huge milestone for us. He is also now starting to fall asleep on his own. This has only happened a few times, but it's getting better.

We're going to start daycare in a week and I'm very nervous about it. We chose an in-home daycare that is run by a Mexican woman. She has 2 other women that help her, which I think is great. They all only speak Spanish to the kids, which is great too. Leaving my child with a complete stranger sounds awful, but the reality is we have no choice. The positive side of it is that Javier will socialize with other children, he'll learn to speak Spanish, and I do have a good feeling that he will be cared for appropriately. We'll see how it goes.

Javier is now 3 months old! How does that happen? I'm trying to enjoy every moment with him. It's hard when you have a new house to settle into and projects galore to finish, but it's OK. We manage, and being on short family vacations is helping to spend that quality time together. We just got back from one and getting ready for the next... Busy, busy, busy.

7 weeks

I can't believe that my baby will be 7 weeks old tomorrow. Life has been such a blur, but so amazing at the same time. I love my little guy more and more each day. He is smiling now and it's so fun to see. I've been trying to cherish every moment as very soon we will be moving into our new home. I'm trying to figure out how to pack, when to pack, and at the same time not stress out. I don't know how it is that my husband and I remain sane...

I've been also trying to remember what the last 7 weeks have been like with Javier. I am amazed at how resilient we both are. He being this tiny little infant trying to adapt to life outside of the womb - breathing, eating, swallowing, crying. I am sleep deprived, haven't eaten well, and haven't done any substantial exercise, yet I manage to smile and love my baby every single moment. Believe me, I do cry, sometimes out of desperation, but I bounce back and never think twice about what my life has become. It just amazes me that we can live like this and still manage to keep a baby alive. I read somewhere that women produce a hormone after giving birth that basically keeps them strong through this whole experience. I completely believe that. I used to get 9-10 hours of sleep each night and I'm lucky if now I get 6. I do take cat-naps here and there with the baby, but the reality is that I would be one miserable, crabby woman if I didn't have a child and only getting that much sleep. I'm hardly drinking coffee too, which I have to say do I miss...

The 1st day we brought Javier home, that night was like a circus act. My husband and I would wake up every 2 hours with the baby to change his diaper and feed him. We were both always rushed trying to soothe the baby as much as we could. I remember he would change his diaper, I would feed the baby (he would go back to bed) and then I would wake him up so I could go to bed and he could shush the baby to sleep. We did this for the 1st week, but then my husband had to go back to work. I felt that it was important that he slept since he was going to work the next day. So the baby and I have fallen into a little routine since. It's actually pretty great. He started out with 2-3 hour sleep sessions, but in the last 3 weeks he'll sleep 3-4 hours, eats for about 40 min and then sleeps 2-3 hours. This is most nights, sometimes he wakes up a little more often. I'm really grateful that almost from the beginning he's liked sleeping at night. He didn't have that night/day confusion that most babies have so we're pretty lucky in that regard.

In the last 2 weeks, he's been eating then stays up a bit to "play" and then he naps. The play time is fun because he smiling and cooing and he moves his arms and legs like he's running in the air. We give him tummy time, which he doesn't like very much, but we've noticed his neck is strong. We're also introducing toys/stuffed animals, but he doesn't care much for them right now. What he loves is our ceiling fan, go figure. He stares at it and smiles - it's funny.

We've also started using cloth diapers full-time, in the last few weeks. They were falling off of him at first, but now they're fitting well. We've gotten pretty used to it and we're so glad we're doing it. We do use the occasional disposable, but I have to admit I feel guilty when I do.

I go back to work in about 3 weeks. I can't believe that either. How do I go back into the world, wear work clothes, and act like an adult again? This is where resiliency comes in, but I still can't imagine it. Luckily, my mother is coming to town again and she'll be with him when I go back. Javier won't start daycare until Aug 1st. AH! I can't think about that right now.