Mi Niño - 11 months

He’s crawling, he’s moving, he’s cruising and now he always wants us to “walk” him around the house. He gets upset when we let go and he has to sit again. As soon as he touches our hands he quickly grasps our index fingers and pulls on them, like come on, let's walk! We just can't resist, but I also just want him to take his time. He's into everything now, once he starts walking, forget it! We'll definitely be getting our workout.

At 11 months, he is definitely doing all the right things. He’s babbling and using different sounds; he says dah-dy, which of course sounds like daddy, but sometimes it sounds like doggy. I’m not sure, but if it’s dah-dy, oh well – go figure. He knows what “no” means, but does he listen? NO! Sometimes he does, but he has a smirk on his face and goes back to what he shouldn’t be doing. That’s OK, we are consistent for the most part, so hopefully one day it will click. Javier is starting to feed himself with his spoon. He hates finger food right now, which is a bit frustrating, but he loves using the spoon to scoop and knows to bring it to his mouth. Finger food freaks him out - yeah, we're working on that... He drinks out of a sippy cup, which is great because I think we’ll skip the bottle when we start giving him regular milk. OH! He learned how to clap! It’s the cutest thing ever. I say “bravo” and clap and he does it with a huge smile.


These days have been so fun, but one thing that scared us to death was when just a couple of weeks ago, he choked on a teeny-tiny piece of what looked like the corner of a candy wrapper. It happened in seconds and we had to call the ambulance. We got it out because he finally threw up, but it was the scariest thing ever. The paramedic checked him out even though Javier was fine when they got there and said that babies’ windpipes are narrower than their own little pinkies and that it only takes the tiniest object to block them. What sucked about this one little thing was that it got sticky (with saliva and mucus b/c he had a cold)so it stuck not allowing us to get it out when we tipped him and patted his back. Throwing up is what did it. It was so, so, scary and what was alarming was how quickly it all happened. Hopefully, never again.

(Changes To Weblog)

(I know, I know, how many times am I going to change the template design to the blog?? I just get kind of bored with the templates so I like the freedom I have to change them. I actually wanted to go back to my original template, but I can't find it anymore! Oh well. Life is ever changing, so I thought my blog would be too. But actually, this will be the final "wardrobe" change. It is fun to see all the designs out there, but changing it all the time is a selfish thing to do so I won't do it anymore.

The other reason for the final design is that I think I will start another blog that will encompass everything outside of the LOVE MY SON TO DEATH bubble. At times I find that I do want to write about something totally unrelated to him and it wouldn't make sense to write about it on this blog. So, to keep it consistent I may keep this one going to keep a journal on JM, but I will also start posting on a different blog to write about all the other ideas, thoughts, concepts that make my brain sizzle. Isn't it exciting???! Somewhat, I suppose. We'll see how it goes.)

Mother

I have been very busy these days. The week of Feb 5th - Feb 13th was one of the toughest weeks for me as a mother; both at home and at work. My husband was gone for the first time since we've become parents and he was gone this whole week. I didn't know what to expect. I thought, sure I can do this, and I did do it, but it made me realize how much my husband does for me as a partner and as my son's father. I realized that doing things by myself isn't so much fun and that having breaks from being a mother is truly important, otherwise you're on auto-pilot and you forget to enjoy the simple moments.

The word mother held it's true meaning during this time. I was a single parent to my baby and to the exchange student we host right now. It was constant go, go, go, go. I was glad to be busy because I knew time would fly and Jeff would be back again, but it made me realize, WOW, this is how single moms do it. This is how my mother did it... There were a few things left undone because I simply chose not to do it. The garbage wasn't taken out for that week, Jeff had to throw it out when he came home. I didn't shower a couple of those days because I slept every morning minute the baby did and then before I knew it, it was time to go to work. I didn't go to the gym, AT ALL. Food, I made an abundance a couple of times, so we ate leftovers often. What was important to me was that we were happy and healthy. I played with Javier as much as possible and what was left undone did not matter. I was very grateful though when my husband came home; I have to admit it was quite a relief.

At the beginning of the week, I attended a celebration of life for a woman I knew who had died of breast cancer. She was an amazing woman, Kathleen was, and I had the privilege of working with her for a couple of years when I moved to MN. She was vibrant, smart, full of life, and she battled the cancer for 5 years, she was only 59yrs old. I only saw her a couple of times after leaving that job, but she touched my life in many ways. She left behind many people that loved her and at her celebration of life it was evident that she would be terribly missed. A lot of people were there, and a lot of us cried, but the celebration was truly inspiring. You could hear Kathleen's words of wisdom in everyone that spoke about her. Her three children, now adults, spoke about their mother in such intimate, endearing ways. You knew she was a good mother; someone who guided, someone who provided tough love, someone who was open, someone who expressed that because life is only temporary, every moment of it should be cherished. It was really sad to see Kathleen go, but her words of wisdom and her loving spirit will always shine.

That same week, something interesting happened to me at work. A client of mine came to me and asked me to be her mother. She started out by saying that in her country, this is what they do; she then got on her knees and asked me to be her mother. I almost died. I didn't know how to respond; I instantly was like crap, what are the boundaries again? How do I say no in a way that isn't offensive? All these emotions came crashing like massive waves, and I thought, why is this so hard for me right now? This all came during her telling of her story; she's had a tough life, is new to the country, is pregnant and has no one to turn to. I said 'thank you,' and went on to tell her what I could do for her. I explained my job and told her that what I do for others, I will do for her, and that is to make sure she is stable and healthy, so that her baby is too. She graciously accepted my response and we continued. The moment was so intense though, it stuck with me for a long time after that.

I did a lot of processing to figure out why I was so touched by that moment. The obvious is because I am a new mother. Knowing how much I love my son, that kind of love that is unexplainable, and then to have a young woman who's never had a mother, come to you and ask you to give that to her is an honor. It really made me think about the meaning of mothering and how important and special that is. There is so much that a mother does for a child, and that connection is completely fragile and sensitive as it is powerful and everlasting. This young woman also reminded me that being a mother, a good mother, is probably the toughest job there is on earth.

So yes, this was my tough week in February. I was a single mother, I attended a celebration of life for an amazing mother, and I was asked to be some one's mother. Talk about emotion overload. I had been meaning to write about all of this, but I didn't know quite how to put it into words. I'm glad it's snow day today and that the baby is soundly sleeping - good time to gather thoughts.

Cruising Baby

This is a clip of Javier moving comfortably. He's moving around a lot and his daycare lady said that he'll be walking for sure before he turns 1 in April. I don't know if I'm ready for that, but it's pretty impressive. I think that he's learning a lot from being at daycare and watching all the other kids.

His daycare lady (who loves him dearly!) was excited to tell me a story about Javier playing with the other babies. He was throwing a toy at them in hopes they'd throw it back, but since they couldn't he'd crawl around them, get the toy and go to where he could throw it again. She said that he then crawled to the crib, put the toy in his mouth, pulled himself up, then threw the toy in the crib. She added that he was one smart cookie. :) See, it's nice to blog, b/c you can brag freely!!

Anyway, here's a video of my little guy movin' around...

Loving things about Javier

There are so many little things I love about Javier right now that I thought I’d jot them down. He turned 9 months old on Sat (1/22) and the list could be endless, but I’ll just put down the few I tend to look forward to most.

Hands down, #1: When I’m nursing him right before he goes to bed, he does this thing with his hand that is so sweet. He caresses my other arm softly as if he were telling me that everything is going to be OK. His eyes are closed too, so I think he likes to know I’m still there. Whatever the case, I absolutely love it.

· His giggle is so contagious, and he loves to be tickled. So when we get him rolling, his tears bring on our tears. It’s like nothing else in the world could matter more.
· He cuddles right in when I pick him up from his crib in the morning. And he makes this little noise that’s like; there’s mama.
· When he’s in his bouncy apparatus he bounces a few times and then freezes by stiffening his legs and stopping his bounce. It’s this little game we play now where I say, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy freeze! And he does it at the same time!
· Okay, one more. When we get home from being out, and I go to pull him out of the car seat, he looks at me with the corner of his eye. Then when I get closer to him, he tries to smile with the pacifier in his mouth. Sometimes he even pops it out to smile. It is so darn cute.

My little guy is getting big and I really need to treasure every moment. I do, and I hope I can capture every single little thing, and not forget it! Sometimes I look at him, and still can’t believe he’s a part of us, a part of me. That feeling is just indescribable.

Two Telling Moments

My husband and I have this thing where we kiss each other when we separate or come together. We’ve been doing this from the very beginning of our relationship and it’s something that comes naturally to us. So the other day, Jeff came home and I was holding the baby. He came towards me and gave me a kiss and Javier started to giggle. We all giggled, and my husband and I thought, let’s do it again and see if he giggles again. He did!! He watched us with a smiley face and as soon as we kissed he laughed. It was the cutest thing ever and we thought, well heck if kissing makes him happy, we’ll just do it all the time…

The beauty of this is the reminder that babies/children will watch every move you make and will react to it in one way or another. Children are super smart and they will catch on when something positive or negative is happening. I think of all the families that have a lot of negative things happening in their homes and how children are in the middle of all of that. I believe that this is why we have disturbed children who then become troubled adults who then have dysfunctional families. If people could just UNDERSTAND that everything they do in front of their children, is extremely influential, then maybe people would behave with more care.

I see the dysfunction in the families I work with, and it’s just something I hope I can help them with so they too can break the cycle and show their kids what it is to love and show affection towards one another.

Now that my almost 9 month old (tomorrow!) is crawling, pulling himself up, and standing all the time, he’s now experiencing a petty sleep habit. He wakes up between 4-6am and thinks it’s time to play!! No way!! I can’t handle it, but understand that it’s a developmental thing and that now we have to help him get through it. AH, this is what it means to be a good parent and it is the hardest thing we’ve had to do yet. And that is, letting him Cry It Out.

Javier doesn’t cry very much, but when he does, man, he let’s you know he’s pissed. My husband attributes that to my Latin blood… I say it’s my husband’s stubbornness… Anyway, I do get an anxious tick when I hear my baby cry and so like most moms (and parents) we pick him up. He has always slept pretty well, so picking him up, nursing him and putting him back down has never really been an issue, but now there’s a whole world for him to explore and he wants to do at the crack of dawn. I’m not letting him have this one.

So just this morning, he woke up at 4:40am and we both lied there and thought, shoot, here’s the moment; our hearts were thumping, and we both froze. Javier started to cry hard and we talked through it: “OK, 10 minutes and then Jeff, go in there, put in the pacifier if he takes it, shush him and walk out.” Ten grueling minutes passed so Jeff went in, but he was in there forever!! I kept thinking, hurry up and leave! Finally, he comes back and I was like, what the heck were you doing in there?! No answer. Well, then of course, Javier’s starts crying hard, again. We both lied there quietly, and it wasn’t too bad. Javier would fade, then got the hiccups, then cried, and we decided that I would nurse him for a little bit to make sure he wasn’t hungry. He ate a little bit and then I put him back down. We let him cry for 20 more min. It totally worked! He fell asleep at 5:30 and woke up at 7:30am. It was hard, but then heavenly. We all slept soundly.

The book, Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Children said to go cold turkey. We cheated a little bit, but for the most part let him cry. The book also stated that crying has an amnesic affect (which is why it is great to cry in general) so babies eventually fall asleep and forget why they even woke up. Aaah, to know all of this is such a relief and helps to not feel guilty.

Approaching 9

9 months, that is. This little boy is giving us a sneak peak of what the next, oh, 18years are going to be like. He has started to pull himself up in his crib and actually tries to hang on with one hand. When he does, he gets all excited and looks at me like, look mom!! He is crawling everywhere and really fast. He isn’t afraid of anything, which I like but at the same time scares me! I don’t know which is worse, a kid who is fearless, or a child who is fearful?? I think both extremes are hard to handle…

Well, now that the holidays are over, I can say that we had a very successful season. My family made it into town and they were all able to enjoy the house, the snow, and each other. My family actually makes the best of our times together since most of us live in separate states. We ate, drank, and played with the kids – three things we love to do.

We were even able to baptize our little guy, given that everyone was in town. We were going to do in a church, but thought it may be a long time before we’re together like this so we went ahead with it in our home. It was so nice and so intimate. Both sides of the family were there, plus the priest that married my husband and me. We chose God-couples since we really wanted to have all four people involved.

We chose my older sister and her husband because she’s my oldest sister who somewhat raised me, who always wanted me to succeed, and who was there when I labored for Javier for 40 hrs! She was there for 2 days (9 days passed my due-date) thinking for sure I would’ve had the baby then, but couldn’t stay due to work. The baby was born the next day, but needless to say she was an incredible help during that time. Her husband is a hard-working, honest, and generous man and we thought he would be great as Javier’s godfather.

Jeff’s sister and husband we chose because we “shared” a duplex with them and I got to really know them. They were such great neighbors, and I miss them now that we live apart!! They are an amazing couple, who have huge hearts and are just the kindest people. They are both gentle and loving and it was just a natural decision to have them as Javier’s godparents.

Back to Christmas for a second: In one of my previous posts, I wrote about not being able to believe in Santa. Well, now that I’ve spoken to several people about it, I have to say that I don’t dislike him anymore. I understand now that Santa is there for children’s imagination and that the image allows kids to also believe in magic. I do want Javier to have an imagination and to be able to have imaginative experiences so that he can always try to reach for what might be unthinkable… I guess my fear was that he would be disappointed, in various ways, but if we present it to him in a fun and “theatrical” way, then he may truly enjoy it. And, I think the goal simply is to remind him that Christmas has many different meanings. See look, he likes the sound of that...

Now back to baptism: A friend asked, why are you baptizing Javier and why now? Part of it is because Javier is no longer this newborn who has no clue what is going on around him. He has a personality that is charming, inquisitive, and it continues to grow as he explores the world around him. Faith, and not a specific faith, but just faith is important in my world, and I think that a baptism is in introduction to this concept. I know he doesn’t know what that is right now, but in my spiritual reality, this concept of faith is what lets me live and I want him to feel that. I have to have faith in the world and in people to live a fulfilling life and I would like to pass that feeling on to Javier. This baptism wasn’t to put him in a “box” of Catholicism (which the Priest is and the ceremony was), but it was more of a spiritual gift to Javier symbolizing that life will be complex, and that life will be beautiful and ugly at the same time, but that with faith, he’ll live a fulfilling and rewarding life. If anything, this baptism was more for us adults (which I believe is the case everywhere) as a renewal of faith and of hope, and I guess it was a symbolic way to pass it on.

Sorry, long and maybe a bit heavy, but it’s been a while since I’ve written. Lots to think about.