Postpartum Anxiety. That’s what it is, that’s what I felt for about 4 weeks or so. It has gotten much better, but I definitely had it there for a little while. As I started to wonder why I was feeling so anxious, why the fears, why the intrusive thoughts, I also thought - so this is how it happens. This is what happens to so many women when they have a baby and all of sudden the world spins (in your brain) – out of control – not knowing how to make it stop.
For me, it’s been like this; I’ve had a history of mild depression and anxiety, nothing new, nothing I can’t handle. It’s genetic, for sure, I see it run rampant in my family, but it has also always been environmental. I learned to manage it with exercise and prayer – it always works. Right when I had Javier, I was in the honeymoon phase. I loved just spending time with my little guy, getting to know him, and doing anything I could to make him happy. I was also hyper-aware of my thoughts though, my feelings, as I knew I was prone to postpartum depression. But it didn’t happen then, I was feeling good and healthy and thought, phew! I made it. Not exactly. I read that postpartum anxiety or depression can appear within the 1 year of having given birth. Mine came up about 2 months after Javier was born.
It all happened at once - I think that was the problem! We had a baby, bought a home, packed our stuff and moved. Little did I know that this was going to have an impact on me. Part of it was that the home needed (and needs) a lot of work. My husband has been working like crazy on it, but the timing for all of this just hasn’t been so good. I wanted us to feel like a family in a great new home, and that wasn’t happening! I accepted and tried to move on, but as I did, the uninvited anxiety started to creep up. It took on in a way that wasn’t expected. I started to feel scared, worried, and anxious, sometimes for no reason. I started to think crazy thoughts like what if we’re all going to die soon, why did I have the baby, how am I going to protect him, what if I can do this? What if the planes overhead fall out of the sky and onto our home(we're in a flight path)? All these thoughts, and more. The worse part was that I was thinking them at night and when I’d wake up to nurse the baby. Not the best time to have all these bleak thoughts let me tell ya… All of this influenced my behavior too. I wasn’t hanging out with people, wasn’t going out, people would tell me “you’re not yourself.” I kind of knew it, but was kind of in denial too. Who wants to admit they're not feeling oh so happy.
Another way it shaped my behavior or thoughts was that I wanted to make sure that Javier was safe in every way possible. When we first moved into the house, I noticed there were several spiders crawling around. Different looking spiders too. I never feared spiders (in Guatemala, we lived with tarantulas!) and I know that spiders are good to have around, but for some reason I wasn’t happy with this. I would lie in bed at night thinking that maybe I should put a net over the baby. Then I thought, what if he swallows them, or they crawl into his ears or eyes? I was thinking horror-movie thoughts. My heart would pound; I would sometimes sweat. I knew then it was anxiety and I had to try really hard to let it go. I stopped myself from thinking these things, I would breathe, and I was able to sleep it off. The next morning I would think, damn that was nuts, but I knew what it was and it made me feel better knowing where it was all coming from.
All I wanted to do was work on the house too - make sure it was clean all the time (a little OCDishly). I would tell my husband we needed to make sure doors and windows were locked at night (I still kind of do this, but this comes from way back). I also want every project in the house to be done, like, now! I know this is impossible, but I’ve told people that I just want to feel normal again. I want everything to feel familiar. I know that everything I want done is external or physical so I am learning to let that go and work on what’s going on inside my brain. That’s where it all starts.
Lately and luckily, all of this has lifted somewhat mainly due to some cognitive therapy. I stop the thoughts and I don’t let them control me. This is easier said than done, but it works for the most part. I’ve also started taking my vitamins again and I started to exercise. I know this all works already, but it is amazing what a hold anxiety can have on you. Mine was/is mild, but for those people who have it full-blown, I feel for you.
I think women need to talk about this. They need to express their fears and realize they're not the only ones. This happens to so many women (as I read their blogs too), but many of us keep it to ourselves. We don’t want others to think that we’re unfit or that we’re crazy. We may not even know how to express it or how to bring it up with someone, but something has to be done. It’s a tortuous way to live and we need to find the strength to recognize it and change it.
I don’t think I’m in the clear just yet, but I’m on the right path – I think. I’m feeling happier and healthier again and I hope to remain this way. My baby definitely keeps me going, and my husband's positive energy does too. I absolutely thank God for that.
He has been invited to 2 birthday parties this weekend, which should be a lot of fun. I’m trying to think of how to be creative with gifts since he will most likely be going to many, many birthday parties.