Right when I thought okay, I'll drop the afternoon pump session, I just couldn't do it. I was going through the motions thinking wait this isn't right. The milk was there, the urge to pump was tremendous, and I couldn't stop it! But I got through it. I forced myself to not pump and the urge quickly slipped away. Phew. I pump once a day now, between noon and 1pm.
The actual nursing piece is a huge hurdle for me right now. It's so easy and natural for me to nurse, and Javier is still interested so I just keep thinking why wouldn't I? I believe part of it is that I never produced an abundance of milk like some women do, but it was always sufficient. Now that I still produce it, I just think what a waste to not continue feeding it to Javier. I start to think about cancers and diseases and about how much I could probably be protecting him from.
This inner struggle is wild. I've never felt so conflicted, I don't think. Part of me really wants my body back. I don't want to have to lug the pump around anymore. I have to remember that Javier is eating other foods that will keep him healthy. Yes, all sounds very logical. But then there's the how do I soothe him, what if he really wants to continue nursing, how do I avoid it/reject it? When else will we have this quiet, meditative moment - that "oneness" feeling, again? He's not making it any easier for me - he doesn't even bite! I know all of this sounds a bit nutty, but it's seriously what goes through my head when I think about it. I now know why mothers nurse until children are 3. I absolutely, WILL NOT, be nursing until he's 3, but I now clearly understand.
Anyway, I'm taking it a step at a time. I will be dropping the noon session really soon. Once I do that, I think I will stick with mornings and evenings for a little while longer. Weekends will be a whole other ball game. Any words of wisdom, anyone?
Oooh, I totally understand where you're coming from! I weaned Annie at 12.5 months, and you probably read about my experience on my blog. I was very lucky in that she was never super attached to nursing so it wasn't hard for HER at all - I was definitely the one that was sad about it, and went through very painful engorgement after weaning. That was the worst part!
ReplyDeleteRemember this - just because you don't wean now does NOT mean you'll be nursing until he's 3. You can definitely continue the 2x a day schedule for as long as you want. Dropping the pump was really freeing for me, and I loved the morning/night nursing. If I didn't have a few times I knew I would be away from Annie, I probably would have continued that for a few months. Once you feel you want to stop, you can do the "don't offer, don't refuse" method of weaning too, and he might just choose to wean on his own... and if not, then it's usually a good strategy to replace nursing with another activity, like reading a book, cuddle time (at first maybe not with you, but after he's used to not nursing, you can enter the picture again). There isn't a lot of information out there on weaning, unfortunately. Good luck!
Not sure if you'll come back to this Erin, but thank you!! I really like the don't offer, don't refuse because then I'm not confusing him. That makes a lot of sense. Never thought any of this would be this hard... A big thanks for the tips : )
ReplyDeleteMy friends who nursed past 12 months have eventually been able to give up pumping altogether. I guess your supply just regulates down? I like the don't offer / don't refuse idea. If it makes you feel any better, my goal is to wean E by his second birthday. There's really nothing magic about 12 months that says you have to do it then... Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI truly enjoyed the time we just had our morning/evening sessions, and we just stopped those when it felt right. I think there will be a point where it will feel right for you too!
ReplyDelete