5 Months Old Today

I have a 5 month old! Yay, it’s very fun to say, but very hard to believe… He is at such a fun age though, and I can’t do anything else, but love him more and more – if that’s even possible.
This is what he’s up to at 5 months:
Laughs
Smiles at people
Gets excited when he sees mama and papa
Likes to fall asleep on his side
Almost sleeps the whole night, almost
Reaches for everything, wants to touch everything
Loves to hear himself – yelps, screeches, and repeats sounds
Likes the exer-saucer
Found his feet!
Very interested in what mama and papa eat
Looks at the TV like he knows exactly what he’s watching
Likes to snuggle
Put his head on my shoulder for the 1st time just this morning – it was heavenly

He has been invited to 2 birthday parties this weekend, which should be a lot of fun. I’m trying to think of how to be creative with gifts since he will most likely be going to many, many birthday parties.

His daycare decided that cloth diapering is too much for them. I can understand. We’re using 7 Generation disposables while he’s there and they seem to work very well. They’re a good product; we don’t feel so bad.

Now we’re getting ready for colder weather. It seems as though he grows quickly and right when I want him to wear something cute, he’s grown out of it! Winter clothing, and winter living, should be interesting. How am I going to walk on slippery sidewalks while holding him??? I can barely do it when I’m by myself.

The house is coming along. A friend said they bet it looks amazing. Amazing is not quite the right word – let’s just say it’s much more comfortable and functional.

Grandma from Chicago is coming on Sat! We’re gearing up for some good ol’ home-cooking. Javier is gearing up for some extra snuggles and kisses : D

Postpartum Anxiety - there you are

Postpartum Anxiety. That’s what it is, that’s what I felt for about 4 weeks or so. It has gotten much better, but I definitely had it there for a little while. As I started to wonder why I was feeling so anxious, why the fears, why the intrusive thoughts, I also thought - so this is how it happens. This is what happens to so many women when they have a baby and all of sudden the world spins (in your brain) – out of control – not knowing how to make it stop.

For me, it’s been like this; I’ve had a history of mild depression and anxiety, nothing new, nothing I can’t handle. It’s genetic, for sure, I see it run rampant in my family, but it has also always been environmental. I learned to manage it with exercise and prayer – it always works. Right when I had Javier, I was in the honeymoon phase. I loved just spending time with my little guy, getting to know him, and doing anything I could to make him happy. I was also hyper-aware of my thoughts though, my feelings, as I knew I was prone to postpartum depression. But it didn’t happen then, I was feeling good and healthy and thought, phew! I made it. Not exactly. I read that postpartum anxiety or depression can appear within the 1 year of having given birth. Mine came up about 2 months after Javier was born.

It all happened at once - I think that was the problem! We had a baby, bought a home, packed our stuff and moved. Little did I know that this was going to have an impact on me. Part of it was that the home needed (and needs) a lot of work. My husband has been working like crazy on it, but the timing for all of this just hasn’t been so good. I wanted us to feel like a family in a great new home, and that wasn’t happening! I accepted and tried to move on, but as I did, the uninvited anxiety started to creep up. It took on in a way that wasn’t expected. I started to feel scared, worried, and anxious, sometimes for no reason. I started to think crazy thoughts like what if we’re all going to die soon, why did I have the baby, how am I going to protect him, what if I can do this? What if the planes overhead fall out of the sky and onto our home(we're in a flight path)? All these thoughts, and more. The worse part was that I was thinking them at night and when I’d wake up to nurse the baby. Not the best time to have all these bleak thoughts let me tell ya… All of this influenced my behavior too. I wasn’t hanging out with people, wasn’t going out, people would tell me “you’re not yourself.” I kind of knew it, but was kind of in denial too. Who wants to admit they're not feeling oh so happy.

Another way it shaped my behavior or thoughts was that I wanted to make sure that Javier was safe in every way possible. When we first moved into the house, I noticed there were several spiders crawling around. Different looking spiders too. I never feared spiders (in Guatemala, we lived with tarantulas!) and I know that spiders are good to have around, but for some reason I wasn’t happy with this. I would lie in bed at night thinking that maybe I should put a net over the baby. Then I thought, what if he swallows them, or they crawl into his ears or eyes? I was thinking horror-movie thoughts. My heart would pound; I would sometimes sweat. I knew then it was anxiety and I had to try really hard to let it go. I stopped myself from thinking these things, I would breathe, and I was able to sleep it off. The next morning I would think, damn that was nuts, but I knew what it was and it made me feel better knowing where it was all coming from.

All I wanted to do was work on the house too - make sure it was clean all the time (a little OCDishly). I would tell my husband we needed to make sure doors and windows were locked at night (I still kind of do this, but this comes from way back). I also want every project in the house to be done, like, now! I know this is impossible, but I’ve told people that I just want to feel normal again. I want everything to feel familiar. I know that everything I want done is external or physical so I am learning to let that go and work on what’s going on inside my brain. That’s where it all starts.

Lately and luckily, all of this has lifted somewhat mainly due to some cognitive therapy. I stop the thoughts and I don’t let them control me. This is easier said than done, but it works for the most part. I’ve also started taking my vitamins again and I started to exercise. I know this all works already, but it is amazing what a hold anxiety can have on you. Mine was/is mild, but for those people who have it full-blown, I feel for you.

I think women need to talk about this. They need to express their fears and realize they're not the only ones. This happens to so many women (as I read their blogs too), but many of us keep it to ourselves. We don’t want others to think that we’re unfit or that we’re crazy. We may not even know how to express it or how to bring it up with someone, but something has to be done. It’s a tortuous way to live and we need to find the strength to recognize it and change it.

I don’t think I’m in the clear just yet, but I’m on the right path – I think. I’m feeling happier and healthier again and I hope to remain this way. My baby definitely keeps me going, and my husband's positive energy does too. I absolutely thank God for that.

4 Months Old

Javier turned 4 months old on Aug 22nd. We’ve been taking him to daycare for 3 weeks now and sometimes it’s OK, sometimes it’s not. I’m struggling, but trying to remain positive. What kills me is that I’m at work more than I’m with him, and I feel like that’s just not right. I know he’s having fun and I know that being there, for him, can be a good thing, but I have this weird feeling about the whole idea. How is it that I have a child and then I turn around 3 months later and hand him over to other people to care for him - to somewhat, raise him. My husband and I should be doing that. The time he spends at daycare is very valuable time and I think that Javier is being short-changed because we have to be at work. I don’t know, just seems odd to me and I just feel torn. But what do I do, quit my job? I can’t! So then, how do I accept that this is what you do – how do I come to terms with the fact that in our culture, most of us drop our kids off at daycare and go to work?

Aside from this daycare dilemma, Javier is adapting so well to life on this planet. He’s very chill, very comfortable, and seems to be taking it all in. He’s very alert and absorbs everything around him. He loves to smile, giggles at times, and is truly delightful to be around. We are very lucky and we are very proud. A good example is that I took him to Chicago to meet his extended family and we took a 9 hr bus ride. Not once did he cry. People around me were nervous at first, but then I was told that they’d forget there was a baby on the bus. The same was when we returned. It was only 7 hrs back and he ended up sleeping through half the trip. An older lady had complimented on what a good baby he was. My husband and I can tell he loves to be around people, which I’m grateful for. He’s beginning to show signs of having a very healthy and fruitful personality. People are saying to watch out though – our next one may not be so easy…


Javier has finally slept through the night without a feeding! He’s done this twice already and boy does it feel good. I’ve woken up and thought, I should go check on him – make sure he’s breathing, but I fall back to sleep trusting that he is. Sure enough, he wakes us up at about 6am and is then ready to eat. He starts his day with a smile, something I need to learn how to do. I have to admit, my son keeps me young in so many ways.

And my goodness, how time is flying. He is growing, thriving, showing a personality, so many wonderful and amazing things happening. I love this so far, this being a mom/parent thing and I’m so excited for more! I still can’t believe that I have an offspring though. It hasn’t sunk in and I don’t know if it ever will.

5 weeks later

Where do I begin!!! People have been saying lately that my husband and I have done the two most stressful things in life - having a baby and moving into a new home. I didn't know this and never really thought about it, but yes, they are probably the two most stressful things I've done in my life. Even so, my life with Javier has been so delightful. He is getting bigger and bigger and the precious moments are abundant. The house is coming along, but it'll be awhile before it feels like home... Lots to do, but in the end it'll be fabulous.

Javier continues to be the cutest baby in the world. OK, maybe not the cutest in the world, but pretty darn close. He continues to smile and coo all the time and is definitely recognizing my husband and me. When he hears our voices he looks over and stares. He always knew who we were, but now he is able to express it and it's so fun. My favorite time right now is when he wakes up from naps and smiles when he sees me. It's such an amazingly, warm feeling.

So, something I wanted to improve with the baby was that he was sleeping during the day in my arms - way too much. Every time I'd put him down in his moses basket for a nap, he'd wake up 10 min later and cry. I didn't want to do the CIO (cry it out) thing because I thought he was too young for that, but I really didn't know what else to do. He would also sleep in a chair that was set up as a swing, but not all the time. So obviously he only slept in arms or to movement. I loved holding him and snuggling with him, but it wasn't fair to him. I felt that he would probably sleep better on his own in his own bed, and without movement. So I tried and tried, until something miraculous happened. Javier was getting a little too big for his moses basket so I decided to put him in a pack-n-play because we were going to use on vacation. I put him in there when he fell asleep and he slept in there for 2 hours! I thought maybe it was a fluke, but it wasn't - he loves it. We put him in there every single time and now he naps and sleeps in it at night with no fuss. This was a huge milestone for us. He is also now starting to fall asleep on his own. This has only happened a few times, but it's getting better.

We're going to start daycare in a week and I'm very nervous about it. We chose an in-home daycare that is run by a Mexican woman. She has 2 other women that help her, which I think is great. They all only speak Spanish to the kids, which is great too. Leaving my child with a complete stranger sounds awful, but the reality is we have no choice. The positive side of it is that Javier will socialize with other children, he'll learn to speak Spanish, and I do have a good feeling that he will be cared for appropriately. We'll see how it goes.

Javier is now 3 months old! How does that happen? I'm trying to enjoy every moment with him. It's hard when you have a new house to settle into and projects galore to finish, but it's OK. We manage, and being on short family vacations is helping to spend that quality time together. We just got back from one and getting ready for the next... Busy, busy, busy.

7 weeks

I can't believe that my baby will be 7 weeks old tomorrow. Life has been such a blur, but so amazing at the same time. I love my little guy more and more each day. He is smiling now and it's so fun to see. I've been trying to cherish every moment as very soon we will be moving into our new home. I'm trying to figure out how to pack, when to pack, and at the same time not stress out. I don't know how it is that my husband and I remain sane...

I've been also trying to remember what the last 7 weeks have been like with Javier. I am amazed at how resilient we both are. He being this tiny little infant trying to adapt to life outside of the womb - breathing, eating, swallowing, crying. I am sleep deprived, haven't eaten well, and haven't done any substantial exercise, yet I manage to smile and love my baby every single moment. Believe me, I do cry, sometimes out of desperation, but I bounce back and never think twice about what my life has become. It just amazes me that we can live like this and still manage to keep a baby alive. I read somewhere that women produce a hormone after giving birth that basically keeps them strong through this whole experience. I completely believe that. I used to get 9-10 hours of sleep each night and I'm lucky if now I get 6. I do take cat-naps here and there with the baby, but the reality is that I would be one miserable, crabby woman if I didn't have a child and only getting that much sleep. I'm hardly drinking coffee too, which I have to say do I miss...

The 1st day we brought Javier home, that night was like a circus act. My husband and I would wake up every 2 hours with the baby to change his diaper and feed him. We were both always rushed trying to soothe the baby as much as we could. I remember he would change his diaper, I would feed the baby (he would go back to bed) and then I would wake him up so I could go to bed and he could shush the baby to sleep. We did this for the 1st week, but then my husband had to go back to work. I felt that it was important that he slept since he was going to work the next day. So the baby and I have fallen into a little routine since. It's actually pretty great. He started out with 2-3 hour sleep sessions, but in the last 3 weeks he'll sleep 3-4 hours, eats for about 40 min and then sleeps 2-3 hours. This is most nights, sometimes he wakes up a little more often. I'm really grateful that almost from the beginning he's liked sleeping at night. He didn't have that night/day confusion that most babies have so we're pretty lucky in that regard.

In the last 2 weeks, he's been eating then stays up a bit to "play" and then he naps. The play time is fun because he smiling and cooing and he moves his arms and legs like he's running in the air. We give him tummy time, which he doesn't like very much, but we've noticed his neck is strong. We're also introducing toys/stuffed animals, but he doesn't care much for them right now. What he loves is our ceiling fan, go figure. He stares at it and smiles - it's funny.

We've also started using cloth diapers full-time, in the last few weeks. They were falling off of him at first, but now they're fitting well. We've gotten pretty used to it and we're so glad we're doing it. We do use the occasional disposable, but I have to admit I feel guilty when I do.

I go back to work in about 3 weeks. I can't believe that either. How do I go back into the world, wear work clothes, and act like an adult again? This is where resiliency comes in, but I still can't imagine it. Luckily, my mother is coming to town again and she'll be with him when I go back. Javier won't start daycare until Aug 1st. AH! I can't think about that right now.

Motherhood

I don't have much time to write these days, but I wanted to post a few words while Javier takes a short nap. Naps for the little dude aren't as long like the first few weeks. It's so fun to be there when he wakes up because he's all warm and cuddly. He's more awake now during the day, which is great b/c we're really getting to know each other...

Here are a few words that describe early motherhood:

emotional
taxing
lots of coordinating
lots of guessing
sleep-less
unpredictable
sore, and i mean SORE, nipples
hungry every hour (hasn't change since pregnancy...)
you don't quite feel like a mother yet, just trying to survive
you get excited when your baby poops!

It's been a month since the baby has been born and so much has already changed. He notices me a lot more now, I'm learning all of his cries, I know what his needs are (for the most part). I am starting to feel more and more like a mother, but it's pretty surreal. Part of it is that my days are spent at home. Javier eat, sleeps, cries, and poops and I do the same! I do try to take walks about every other day and we get visitors from time to time, which is nice. I shower quickly when he naps and I do have a short list of things I usually like to get done around the house. I like to prioritize so I don't feel like I haven't done anything else. I don't do much though because most of my time is spent with the baby. My mom keeps telling me to enjoy every moment we have with the baby because they grow so fast. I know what she means... He's starting to feel heavier and look different. He might have even smiled at me a couple of times. Each week there's something new.

I've always been surrounded by women that become mothers and I always thought it would be easy for me. I've learned from day one that nothing is pleasant without sleep. I've learned that you feel much better when you shower and get out of the house. I've learned that this little boy will be the center of my life for the next oh, 18 years. It's amazing how becoming a mother, a parent, gives a whole new perspective on life. There's so much to enjoy, yet so much to worry about and so little time! I think becoming a parent is probably one of the most challenging things in life. Challenging in a good way. Life is about 20% about you, and 80% about the baby. At least that's how I think it is. I will continue to take it day by day and enjoy every minute because it is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Birth Story

On April 19th, it was 8 days passed my due date. I wasn't feeling well, but had no idea what was in store for me. I was tired, crabby, and just waiting for the moment to happen. I was excited b/c I knew my sister was coming to town the following day so that was keeping me distracted. My mom and grandmother had already been here for 11 days and also waiting patiently. They were so lovely, making food for us and simply praying that soon the baby would arrive.

So the 19th, I started to see a bloody-show. This is different for everyone. Some women see it a couple of weeks before they deliver, some see it the day before. I was excited to see mine, and a bit nervous, but I also knew that this didn't mean very much. It could still be days before I was going to give birth.

That night, I had mild contractions, about 1 an hour. They'd wake me up from my sleep, but they were totally bearable. My sister came in from Austin and it was great to see her. Tuesday, she persuaded me to stay home from work. I was probably in early labor at that point, so it was a good idea to stay home. We ended up going shopping that day, which was great - totally what I needed. Tuesday night, the contractions were strong. My husband and sister were taking turns counting my contractions. I was on the exercise ball, walking, breathing, and in the tub - anything to keep me comfortable. I almost went to the hospital, but contractions eased up a bit and I knew once again, it wasn't time. 2:30am came around and my sister went to bed. I didn't sleep that night.

Wednesday, a showing was booked for the house. I was disappointed as I wanted to labor in the comfort of my own home, but we all had to leave for about an 1 1/2hrs. My husband and I ended up going to a golf course's parking lot so that I can doze in between contractions. My husband patiently counted each one and as soon as they would ease up, I would instantly fall asleep. But minutes later another contraction would wake me up. The showing was longer than planned and I thought to myself, somebody better be making an offer.

We ended up back at home. I was in and out of the tub and continued with my laboring. My mom and grandmother wondered why I didn't go to the hospital. They didn't understand that the baby and I weren't ready! Both of the them had always had quick labors and births so they thought that what I was going through was so strange. In part, they didn't want to see me suffering, but I told them this could happen and that they should just stay out of my way if labor was going to be long. They were so obedient. My sister luckily prepared them as well and reassured them that I knew what I was doing. They gave her a hard time about it all b/c they had to take it out on someone - I was so grateful she took all the slack. My sister ended up having to leave that Wed afternoon. I was sad to see her go as I wanted her to meet the baby, but it all had to happen this way. She was there to help us, and that was that.

Wed night the contractions were rough. I went into the tub at about 10:30pm and had about 4 strong contractions. That's when I knew I had to go to the hospital. My husband had been checking in with the midwives the past 2 days, but they kept saying there was no pattern to my contractions so I should stay home. At this point, I needed to know what was happening. We went to the hospital, I was 5 centimeters dilated, the nurse said, "looks like you're having a baby tonight!"

We were so excited and ready for this, but it never happened that night. I never progressed beyond 5-6 centimeters. Contractions were about 2-3 min apart, but I wasn't dilated enough. We called our doula and she came out to help us labor. It was a long night to say the least.

Thursday morning I get into the water birth tub thinking that psychologically this might help me progress. It didn't. Contractions were unbearable, I was exhausted - I'd fall into REM instantly in between contractions, I remember dreaming. I looked at my husband after a contraction and told him I needed pain medication. The midwife explained my options and I requested the epidural. It was the best thing ever. I had to endure about a thousand contractions before it kicked in, but I was finally able to relax. The nurses, midwives, the doula, my husband, they were all so supportive. They all saw how hard I had worked and were completely open to what I needed. It was great.

Sure enough, about 2 hours later, my cervix had completely thinned out and I was ready to have the baby. We were all so relaxed, hanging out watching, the Twins game and listening to music. The midwife noticed I had a fever and the baby was a little stressed out as his heartbeat was higher than usual. They said I needed to start pushing. I couldn't feel the contractions so they had to tell me when they saw them on the monitor. I pushed so hard and they were all cheering me on. They could all see the baby's head! I pushed for about 1 1/2 hrs when the midwife decided that we needed assistance from the Dr. My fever hadn't gone down and we didn't want to wait any longer. The Dr. came in and said she would use a vacuum to assist. She said she'd give me 2 tries and if it didn't work we'd have to have a c-section. I closed my eyes and thought, this baby is coming out now!. I pushed so hard and in the very last push, he came out. I thought I wasn't going to feel anything, but I did! I felt him come out and it was amazing. He didn't cry at first, but when they took him to his little bed, I heard him and it was the most amazing sound ever. I was crying hysterically and was so frickin' happy. It was one of the coolest moments of my life.

My husband went over to greet his new son and was able to cut the cord. Then he brought Javier over to me and put him on my chest. It was so surreal, but so amazing. We all cried for a little while and enjoyed those very first moments together. The nurse came over to tell us they had to take the baby for a check-up and to give him antibiotics in case he had the infection I had during labor. Turns out my fever had gone down immediately, and he was fine. The infection was in my uterus and a mild one and they really didn't know why I got it. They monitored us for 48 us and we both ended up being just fine.

So in the end, no water birth and no quick birth. I was truly expecting that Javier's birth would go the way I had somewhat planned, but it didn't and that's OK. I knew that it could be completely different, but it's hard not to imagine an ideal birth. All in all, I don't regret it. We worked hard, and we learned so much from this experience. Like our doula said, it was a transformative experience and definitely worth it.

I should add that we ended up getting an offer on the house the day Javier was born. We sold the following day. Then we bought a house a few days later. It's been quite the ride. AND, my sister-in-law looked up the meaning of Javier - check it out:

Origin:Basque/Spanish
Meaning: New house

taken from www.parentsconnect.com

We had already chosen the name!