Approaching 9

9 months, that is. This little boy is giving us a sneak peak of what the next, oh, 18years are going to be like. He has started to pull himself up in his crib and actually tries to hang on with one hand. When he does, he gets all excited and looks at me like, look mom!! He is crawling everywhere and really fast. He isn’t afraid of anything, which I like but at the same time scares me! I don’t know which is worse, a kid who is fearless, or a child who is fearful?? I think both extremes are hard to handle…

Well, now that the holidays are over, I can say that we had a very successful season. My family made it into town and they were all able to enjoy the house, the snow, and each other. My family actually makes the best of our times together since most of us live in separate states. We ate, drank, and played with the kids – three things we love to do.

We were even able to baptize our little guy, given that everyone was in town. We were going to do in a church, but thought it may be a long time before we’re together like this so we went ahead with it in our home. It was so nice and so intimate. Both sides of the family were there, plus the priest that married my husband and me. We chose God-couples since we really wanted to have all four people involved.

We chose my older sister and her husband because she’s my oldest sister who somewhat raised me, who always wanted me to succeed, and who was there when I labored for Javier for 40 hrs! She was there for 2 days (9 days passed my due-date) thinking for sure I would’ve had the baby then, but couldn’t stay due to work. The baby was born the next day, but needless to say she was an incredible help during that time. Her husband is a hard-working, honest, and generous man and we thought he would be great as Javier’s godfather.

Jeff’s sister and husband we chose because we “shared” a duplex with them and I got to really know them. They were such great neighbors, and I miss them now that we live apart!! They are an amazing couple, who have huge hearts and are just the kindest people. They are both gentle and loving and it was just a natural decision to have them as Javier’s godparents.

Back to Christmas for a second: In one of my previous posts, I wrote about not being able to believe in Santa. Well, now that I’ve spoken to several people about it, I have to say that I don’t dislike him anymore. I understand now that Santa is there for children’s imagination and that the image allows kids to also believe in magic. I do want Javier to have an imagination and to be able to have imaginative experiences so that he can always try to reach for what might be unthinkable… I guess my fear was that he would be disappointed, in various ways, but if we present it to him in a fun and “theatrical” way, then he may truly enjoy it. And, I think the goal simply is to remind him that Christmas has many different meanings. See look, he likes the sound of that...

Now back to baptism: A friend asked, why are you baptizing Javier and why now? Part of it is because Javier is no longer this newborn who has no clue what is going on around him. He has a personality that is charming, inquisitive, and it continues to grow as he explores the world around him. Faith, and not a specific faith, but just faith is important in my world, and I think that a baptism is in introduction to this concept. I know he doesn’t know what that is right now, but in my spiritual reality, this concept of faith is what lets me live and I want him to feel that. I have to have faith in the world and in people to live a fulfilling life and I would like to pass that feeling on to Javier. This baptism wasn’t to put him in a “box” of Catholicism (which the Priest is and the ceremony was), but it was more of a spiritual gift to Javier symbolizing that life will be complex, and that life will be beautiful and ugly at the same time, but that with faith, he’ll live a fulfilling and rewarding life. If anything, this baptism was more for us adults (which I believe is the case everywhere) as a renewal of faith and of hope, and I guess it was a symbolic way to pass it on.

Sorry, long and maybe a bit heavy, but it’s been a while since I’ve written. Lots to think about.

Not Believing in Santa

I know this is so evil of me, but I don’t believe in Santa. I never did, and I don’t know if I ever will. Now that I have a child, I’m thinking of ways to keep Santa away. Far, far, away. But we all know that this is impossible.

Growing up, Santa “came” to the house, but I always knew that it was my mom putting presents underneath the tree, and that it really wasn’t Santa. I always knew he wasn’t real...but that was OK. My mom never presented Santa as this magical man who’d come to your house if you were nice, and that if you behaved all year long, he would bring you everything you could wish for. This “magic” didn’t exist in our world, and well, it was always OK. Part of that was that my mom couldn't afford to buy us gifts and so there were no wish-lists. Back then, it might've been kind of sad, but now, I appreciate it. I didn't grow up expecting and I can admit that it shaped my view on what Christmas should really be about.

Now that I have a kiddo, and I tell people that Santa will not be “coming” to the house, they look at me like I’m this crazy, twisted, mom. Santa is so connected to consumerism and I really struggle with the Christmas holiday just for that reason. People spend way too much money, and there is so much greed in the air. There are so many expectations and if they aren’t met people and children are disappointed! I just think it’s a waste. And then I think of those who can't have Santa come to their home (like me!) and I think gosh, they think x-mas sucks b/c they simply didn't get any gifts. That's not what it's all about!!!

To put in a different perspective, a friend mentioned that how do you then let your child have wishes and dreams during the holiday season. I see that, but I only see how people/children link dreams and wishes to the gift-giving Santa. Why can't Santa include that Christmas is not all about getting toys. "He" doesn't say that it could be about love, about sharing happiness, about finding peace and joy in friendships and family and maybe helping others do the same. These are good dreams, no? I never hear Santa talk about any of this! If he did, then maybe I would be OK with him.

So, how do I explain this to our little boy? Thank god I don’t have to do it now, as he’s only 8 months old and doesn’t get it yet, but it won’t be long before he starts to and well, I want to be prepared. I know that the meaning of Christmas is different for everyone, but I want it to be something meaningful to him. I can’t keep Santa away from him, I know. And I know that he could ruin it for other children and then I’ll have parents breaking down our doors and kicking our asses. But, I will be adamant about reducing the Santa attraction, that I know will be for sure. I just need to figure out how!

This x-mas, we’ll be getting together with family from both sides of the family; with those living in MN, and then my family coming in from Chicago and Austin. We do have a tree, but it only has lights and a Peace sign on top and we only got it b/c our friend/realtor gave us one - but we are grateful, and it is beautiful. There will be gifts, but not from Santa, just from cousins, Tios, Tias, Abuelitas and grandpa. We scratched “secret santa” from my side of the family (Alleluia!), but not from my husband’s side. We’ll work harder on that next year. We’ll go to Church and say our thank you’s to God for an amazing, but crazy-ass year. And then we’ll eat and drink and definitely be merry. This is what our Christmas will look like this year…

One or Two

I've been so busy, that it looks like one blog post a month will have to do these days... This is what's been rumbling in my brain lately.

I’ve been thinking a lot about whether we should have another child or not. The reality is that I’m not getting any younger – I just turned 35 and if we are going to have another child, we should start thinking about it now. Although, my son is almost 8 months old and I’m really enjoying my time with just him. I can’t imagine having another little one right now (even though it won’t be right now) and it’s hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that we’d be raising two children.

Raising children in general is hard. Parents do it to their utmost capability, but to me, this is a very scary thing. It scares me for many reasons and unfortunately this stems from all the not-so-pleasant things I’ve experienced in my own life, and also the unpleasant things I’ve seen in the work that I do. I know what’s out there; I see the pain, the misery, the poverty, and the injustices. Now, there is a big, big, cynic inside of me and I know that this side of me tends to dominate so if I put this aside I really can, and do, see the beauty in the world. But the world is a very, very complex place to live in and it will never be simple - not in my world at least (it'd be so boring!). But really, how do I set aside my own biases, my own realities, my own fears, when I’m raising children?

When I tell people these things, they think I’m crazy. They say I’m thinking way too much about all of this and that I should just chill and enjoy. Ah, if life could be this easy for me. I’ve chilled and enjoyed in my life (almost too much at times…) and now I’m a real adult, I’m a freakin’ parent! To me, Parent is a loaded word. It’s a role in life that can have so much impact; it is so influential. I’m responsible for another human being; this is something that I cannot take lightly. To raise one child is hard enough, so how do I become comfortable with two. Also, I want to believe that there are really important reasons to why you bring children into the world and I don’t want to just have them, just to have them.

So anyway, this is what I'm battling right now. I'm right in the middle at the moment, 50% of me says don't do it, 50% says do it. I do need to decide somewhat soon though and I'm not sure what it will take. My husband, of course, has a say in this. I asked him the other day and he said it's too soon to talk about this. I liked that answer.

Slowing Down for 7th Month

Javier is going to be 7 months old on 11/22. He is incredible. At times, I can't even describe what I feel for this little being. He is at an age where everything is of interest. It's like....he woke up! It's so wonderful to see. His eyes go to anything and everything and he wants to touch everything. I love to look at his eyes as he explores, as he learns, and I try to look for any impressions. Colorful, bold images are his favorite and he touches them gently as if he thought they were fragile. He has these little animals that look like they're walking across the drapes in his room and every morning when I raise the shade he smiles at his little friends. He reaches out to them and puts his hands to them - it is the most endearing thing ever.

We felt his first tooth about a week ago. It's his bottom left tooth and I have to say that it was exciting, but sort of strange too, to discover. I didn't think I'd feel any sort of emotion, but I did. I just think that it's amazing how time flies and how quickly people grow. It was just a reminder that he's definitely growing, thriving, and evolving, and it is beautiful to capture.

Lately, I've really been trying to live in the moment. I've tried for many, many years and it's truly hard. I get so caught up on planning and coordinating that I hardly think of the present moment. I'm doing it now as I write - I hear my son and husband playing and I'm thinking, "OK, as soon as I'm done here I'm going to throw a load of laundry in the machine and then clean, and then feed the baby!" I realize that I do this everyday, whether I'm at home or at work.


I need to stop multi-tasking too. I think that's detrimental to living in the moment. I want to thoroughly experience everything that I do because it's not only good for my brain and thought process, but also for my emotional well-being. I won't stress or worry and I will possibly just go with the flow. I believe that if I do this, I will cherish every moment with my new little family. There will always be things to do, but needing to do them all at the same time isn't and shouldn't be so important. There is a time for everything and if I teach myself this, and do it well, then I know I'll be passing along to my son something that is good to live by.

5 Months Old Today

I have a 5 month old! Yay, it’s very fun to say, but very hard to believe… He is at such a fun age though, and I can’t do anything else, but love him more and more – if that’s even possible.
This is what he’s up to at 5 months:
Laughs
Smiles at people
Gets excited when he sees mama and papa
Likes to fall asleep on his side
Almost sleeps the whole night, almost
Reaches for everything, wants to touch everything
Loves to hear himself – yelps, screeches, and repeats sounds
Likes the exer-saucer
Found his feet!
Very interested in what mama and papa eat
Looks at the TV like he knows exactly what he’s watching
Likes to snuggle
Put his head on my shoulder for the 1st time just this morning – it was heavenly

He has been invited to 2 birthday parties this weekend, which should be a lot of fun. I’m trying to think of how to be creative with gifts since he will most likely be going to many, many birthday parties.

His daycare decided that cloth diapering is too much for them. I can understand. We’re using 7 Generation disposables while he’s there and they seem to work very well. They’re a good product; we don’t feel so bad.

Now we’re getting ready for colder weather. It seems as though he grows quickly and right when I want him to wear something cute, he’s grown out of it! Winter clothing, and winter living, should be interesting. How am I going to walk on slippery sidewalks while holding him??? I can barely do it when I’m by myself.

The house is coming along. A friend said they bet it looks amazing. Amazing is not quite the right word – let’s just say it’s much more comfortable and functional.

Grandma from Chicago is coming on Sat! We’re gearing up for some good ol’ home-cooking. Javier is gearing up for some extra snuggles and kisses : D

Postpartum Anxiety - there you are

Postpartum Anxiety. That’s what it is, that’s what I felt for about 4 weeks or so. It has gotten much better, but I definitely had it there for a little while. As I started to wonder why I was feeling so anxious, why the fears, why the intrusive thoughts, I also thought - so this is how it happens. This is what happens to so many women when they have a baby and all of sudden the world spins (in your brain) – out of control – not knowing how to make it stop.

For me, it’s been like this; I’ve had a history of mild depression and anxiety, nothing new, nothing I can’t handle. It’s genetic, for sure, I see it run rampant in my family, but it has also always been environmental. I learned to manage it with exercise and prayer – it always works. Right when I had Javier, I was in the honeymoon phase. I loved just spending time with my little guy, getting to know him, and doing anything I could to make him happy. I was also hyper-aware of my thoughts though, my feelings, as I knew I was prone to postpartum depression. But it didn’t happen then, I was feeling good and healthy and thought, phew! I made it. Not exactly. I read that postpartum anxiety or depression can appear within the 1 year of having given birth. Mine came up about 2 months after Javier was born.

It all happened at once - I think that was the problem! We had a baby, bought a home, packed our stuff and moved. Little did I know that this was going to have an impact on me. Part of it was that the home needed (and needs) a lot of work. My husband has been working like crazy on it, but the timing for all of this just hasn’t been so good. I wanted us to feel like a family in a great new home, and that wasn’t happening! I accepted and tried to move on, but as I did, the uninvited anxiety started to creep up. It took on in a way that wasn’t expected. I started to feel scared, worried, and anxious, sometimes for no reason. I started to think crazy thoughts like what if we’re all going to die soon, why did I have the baby, how am I going to protect him, what if I can do this? What if the planes overhead fall out of the sky and onto our home(we're in a flight path)? All these thoughts, and more. The worse part was that I was thinking them at night and when I’d wake up to nurse the baby. Not the best time to have all these bleak thoughts let me tell ya… All of this influenced my behavior too. I wasn’t hanging out with people, wasn’t going out, people would tell me “you’re not yourself.” I kind of knew it, but was kind of in denial too. Who wants to admit they're not feeling oh so happy.

Another way it shaped my behavior or thoughts was that I wanted to make sure that Javier was safe in every way possible. When we first moved into the house, I noticed there were several spiders crawling around. Different looking spiders too. I never feared spiders (in Guatemala, we lived with tarantulas!) and I know that spiders are good to have around, but for some reason I wasn’t happy with this. I would lie in bed at night thinking that maybe I should put a net over the baby. Then I thought, what if he swallows them, or they crawl into his ears or eyes? I was thinking horror-movie thoughts. My heart would pound; I would sometimes sweat. I knew then it was anxiety and I had to try really hard to let it go. I stopped myself from thinking these things, I would breathe, and I was able to sleep it off. The next morning I would think, damn that was nuts, but I knew what it was and it made me feel better knowing where it was all coming from.

All I wanted to do was work on the house too - make sure it was clean all the time (a little OCDishly). I would tell my husband we needed to make sure doors and windows were locked at night (I still kind of do this, but this comes from way back). I also want every project in the house to be done, like, now! I know this is impossible, but I’ve told people that I just want to feel normal again. I want everything to feel familiar. I know that everything I want done is external or physical so I am learning to let that go and work on what’s going on inside my brain. That’s where it all starts.

Lately and luckily, all of this has lifted somewhat mainly due to some cognitive therapy. I stop the thoughts and I don’t let them control me. This is easier said than done, but it works for the most part. I’ve also started taking my vitamins again and I started to exercise. I know this all works already, but it is amazing what a hold anxiety can have on you. Mine was/is mild, but for those people who have it full-blown, I feel for you.

I think women need to talk about this. They need to express their fears and realize they're not the only ones. This happens to so many women (as I read their blogs too), but many of us keep it to ourselves. We don’t want others to think that we’re unfit or that we’re crazy. We may not even know how to express it or how to bring it up with someone, but something has to be done. It’s a tortuous way to live and we need to find the strength to recognize it and change it.

I don’t think I’m in the clear just yet, but I’m on the right path – I think. I’m feeling happier and healthier again and I hope to remain this way. My baby definitely keeps me going, and my husband's positive energy does too. I absolutely thank God for that.

4 Months Old

Javier turned 4 months old on Aug 22nd. We’ve been taking him to daycare for 3 weeks now and sometimes it’s OK, sometimes it’s not. I’m struggling, but trying to remain positive. What kills me is that I’m at work more than I’m with him, and I feel like that’s just not right. I know he’s having fun and I know that being there, for him, can be a good thing, but I have this weird feeling about the whole idea. How is it that I have a child and then I turn around 3 months later and hand him over to other people to care for him - to somewhat, raise him. My husband and I should be doing that. The time he spends at daycare is very valuable time and I think that Javier is being short-changed because we have to be at work. I don’t know, just seems odd to me and I just feel torn. But what do I do, quit my job? I can’t! So then, how do I accept that this is what you do – how do I come to terms with the fact that in our culture, most of us drop our kids off at daycare and go to work?

Aside from this daycare dilemma, Javier is adapting so well to life on this planet. He’s very chill, very comfortable, and seems to be taking it all in. He’s very alert and absorbs everything around him. He loves to smile, giggles at times, and is truly delightful to be around. We are very lucky and we are very proud. A good example is that I took him to Chicago to meet his extended family and we took a 9 hr bus ride. Not once did he cry. People around me were nervous at first, but then I was told that they’d forget there was a baby on the bus. The same was when we returned. It was only 7 hrs back and he ended up sleeping through half the trip. An older lady had complimented on what a good baby he was. My husband and I can tell he loves to be around people, which I’m grateful for. He’s beginning to show signs of having a very healthy and fruitful personality. People are saying to watch out though – our next one may not be so easy…


Javier has finally slept through the night without a feeding! He’s done this twice already and boy does it feel good. I’ve woken up and thought, I should go check on him – make sure he’s breathing, but I fall back to sleep trusting that he is. Sure enough, he wakes us up at about 6am and is then ready to eat. He starts his day with a smile, something I need to learn how to do. I have to admit, my son keeps me young in so many ways.

And my goodness, how time is flying. He is growing, thriving, showing a personality, so many wonderful and amazing things happening. I love this so far, this being a mom/parent thing and I’m so excited for more! I still can’t believe that I have an offspring though. It hasn’t sunk in and I don’t know if it ever will.