7 weeks

I can't believe that my baby will be 7 weeks old tomorrow. Life has been such a blur, but so amazing at the same time. I love my little guy more and more each day. He is smiling now and it's so fun to see. I've been trying to cherish every moment as very soon we will be moving into our new home. I'm trying to figure out how to pack, when to pack, and at the same time not stress out. I don't know how it is that my husband and I remain sane...

I've been also trying to remember what the last 7 weeks have been like with Javier. I am amazed at how resilient we both are. He being this tiny little infant trying to adapt to life outside of the womb - breathing, eating, swallowing, crying. I am sleep deprived, haven't eaten well, and haven't done any substantial exercise, yet I manage to smile and love my baby every single moment. Believe me, I do cry, sometimes out of desperation, but I bounce back and never think twice about what my life has become. It just amazes me that we can live like this and still manage to keep a baby alive. I read somewhere that women produce a hormone after giving birth that basically keeps them strong through this whole experience. I completely believe that. I used to get 9-10 hours of sleep each night and I'm lucky if now I get 6. I do take cat-naps here and there with the baby, but the reality is that I would be one miserable, crabby woman if I didn't have a child and only getting that much sleep. I'm hardly drinking coffee too, which I have to say do I miss...

The 1st day we brought Javier home, that night was like a circus act. My husband and I would wake up every 2 hours with the baby to change his diaper and feed him. We were both always rushed trying to soothe the baby as much as we could. I remember he would change his diaper, I would feed the baby (he would go back to bed) and then I would wake him up so I could go to bed and he could shush the baby to sleep. We did this for the 1st week, but then my husband had to go back to work. I felt that it was important that he slept since he was going to work the next day. So the baby and I have fallen into a little routine since. It's actually pretty great. He started out with 2-3 hour sleep sessions, but in the last 3 weeks he'll sleep 3-4 hours, eats for about 40 min and then sleeps 2-3 hours. This is most nights, sometimes he wakes up a little more often. I'm really grateful that almost from the beginning he's liked sleeping at night. He didn't have that night/day confusion that most babies have so we're pretty lucky in that regard.

In the last 2 weeks, he's been eating then stays up a bit to "play" and then he naps. The play time is fun because he smiling and cooing and he moves his arms and legs like he's running in the air. We give him tummy time, which he doesn't like very much, but we've noticed his neck is strong. We're also introducing toys/stuffed animals, but he doesn't care much for them right now. What he loves is our ceiling fan, go figure. He stares at it and smiles - it's funny.

We've also started using cloth diapers full-time, in the last few weeks. They were falling off of him at first, but now they're fitting well. We've gotten pretty used to it and we're so glad we're doing it. We do use the occasional disposable, but I have to admit I feel guilty when I do.

I go back to work in about 3 weeks. I can't believe that either. How do I go back into the world, wear work clothes, and act like an adult again? This is where resiliency comes in, but I still can't imagine it. Luckily, my mother is coming to town again and she'll be with him when I go back. Javier won't start daycare until Aug 1st. AH! I can't think about that right now.

Motherhood

I don't have much time to write these days, but I wanted to post a few words while Javier takes a short nap. Naps for the little dude aren't as long like the first few weeks. It's so fun to be there when he wakes up because he's all warm and cuddly. He's more awake now during the day, which is great b/c we're really getting to know each other...

Here are a few words that describe early motherhood:

emotional
taxing
lots of coordinating
lots of guessing
sleep-less
unpredictable
sore, and i mean SORE, nipples
hungry every hour (hasn't change since pregnancy...)
you don't quite feel like a mother yet, just trying to survive
you get excited when your baby poops!

It's been a month since the baby has been born and so much has already changed. He notices me a lot more now, I'm learning all of his cries, I know what his needs are (for the most part). I am starting to feel more and more like a mother, but it's pretty surreal. Part of it is that my days are spent at home. Javier eat, sleeps, cries, and poops and I do the same! I do try to take walks about every other day and we get visitors from time to time, which is nice. I shower quickly when he naps and I do have a short list of things I usually like to get done around the house. I like to prioritize so I don't feel like I haven't done anything else. I don't do much though because most of my time is spent with the baby. My mom keeps telling me to enjoy every moment we have with the baby because they grow so fast. I know what she means... He's starting to feel heavier and look different. He might have even smiled at me a couple of times. Each week there's something new.

I've always been surrounded by women that become mothers and I always thought it would be easy for me. I've learned from day one that nothing is pleasant without sleep. I've learned that you feel much better when you shower and get out of the house. I've learned that this little boy will be the center of my life for the next oh, 18 years. It's amazing how becoming a mother, a parent, gives a whole new perspective on life. There's so much to enjoy, yet so much to worry about and so little time! I think becoming a parent is probably one of the most challenging things in life. Challenging in a good way. Life is about 20% about you, and 80% about the baby. At least that's how I think it is. I will continue to take it day by day and enjoy every minute because it is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Birth Story

On April 19th, it was 8 days passed my due date. I wasn't feeling well, but had no idea what was in store for me. I was tired, crabby, and just waiting for the moment to happen. I was excited b/c I knew my sister was coming to town the following day so that was keeping me distracted. My mom and grandmother had already been here for 11 days and also waiting patiently. They were so lovely, making food for us and simply praying that soon the baby would arrive.

So the 19th, I started to see a bloody-show. This is different for everyone. Some women see it a couple of weeks before they deliver, some see it the day before. I was excited to see mine, and a bit nervous, but I also knew that this didn't mean very much. It could still be days before I was going to give birth.

That night, I had mild contractions, about 1 an hour. They'd wake me up from my sleep, but they were totally bearable. My sister came in from Austin and it was great to see her. Tuesday, she persuaded me to stay home from work. I was probably in early labor at that point, so it was a good idea to stay home. We ended up going shopping that day, which was great - totally what I needed. Tuesday night, the contractions were strong. My husband and sister were taking turns counting my contractions. I was on the exercise ball, walking, breathing, and in the tub - anything to keep me comfortable. I almost went to the hospital, but contractions eased up a bit and I knew once again, it wasn't time. 2:30am came around and my sister went to bed. I didn't sleep that night.

Wednesday, a showing was booked for the house. I was disappointed as I wanted to labor in the comfort of my own home, but we all had to leave for about an 1 1/2hrs. My husband and I ended up going to a golf course's parking lot so that I can doze in between contractions. My husband patiently counted each one and as soon as they would ease up, I would instantly fall asleep. But minutes later another contraction would wake me up. The showing was longer than planned and I thought to myself, somebody better be making an offer.

We ended up back at home. I was in and out of the tub and continued with my laboring. My mom and grandmother wondered why I didn't go to the hospital. They didn't understand that the baby and I weren't ready! Both of the them had always had quick labors and births so they thought that what I was going through was so strange. In part, they didn't want to see me suffering, but I told them this could happen and that they should just stay out of my way if labor was going to be long. They were so obedient. My sister luckily prepared them as well and reassured them that I knew what I was doing. They gave her a hard time about it all b/c they had to take it out on someone - I was so grateful she took all the slack. My sister ended up having to leave that Wed afternoon. I was sad to see her go as I wanted her to meet the baby, but it all had to happen this way. She was there to help us, and that was that.

Wed night the contractions were rough. I went into the tub at about 10:30pm and had about 4 strong contractions. That's when I knew I had to go to the hospital. My husband had been checking in with the midwives the past 2 days, but they kept saying there was no pattern to my contractions so I should stay home. At this point, I needed to know what was happening. We went to the hospital, I was 5 centimeters dilated, the nurse said, "looks like you're having a baby tonight!"

We were so excited and ready for this, but it never happened that night. I never progressed beyond 5-6 centimeters. Contractions were about 2-3 min apart, but I wasn't dilated enough. We called our doula and she came out to help us labor. It was a long night to say the least.

Thursday morning I get into the water birth tub thinking that psychologically this might help me progress. It didn't. Contractions were unbearable, I was exhausted - I'd fall into REM instantly in between contractions, I remember dreaming. I looked at my husband after a contraction and told him I needed pain medication. The midwife explained my options and I requested the epidural. It was the best thing ever. I had to endure about a thousand contractions before it kicked in, but I was finally able to relax. The nurses, midwives, the doula, my husband, they were all so supportive. They all saw how hard I had worked and were completely open to what I needed. It was great.

Sure enough, about 2 hours later, my cervix had completely thinned out and I was ready to have the baby. We were all so relaxed, hanging out watching, the Twins game and listening to music. The midwife noticed I had a fever and the baby was a little stressed out as his heartbeat was higher than usual. They said I needed to start pushing. I couldn't feel the contractions so they had to tell me when they saw them on the monitor. I pushed so hard and they were all cheering me on. They could all see the baby's head! I pushed for about 1 1/2 hrs when the midwife decided that we needed assistance from the Dr. My fever hadn't gone down and we didn't want to wait any longer. The Dr. came in and said she would use a vacuum to assist. She said she'd give me 2 tries and if it didn't work we'd have to have a c-section. I closed my eyes and thought, this baby is coming out now!. I pushed so hard and in the very last push, he came out. I thought I wasn't going to feel anything, but I did! I felt him come out and it was amazing. He didn't cry at first, but when they took him to his little bed, I heard him and it was the most amazing sound ever. I was crying hysterically and was so frickin' happy. It was one of the coolest moments of my life.

My husband went over to greet his new son and was able to cut the cord. Then he brought Javier over to me and put him on my chest. It was so surreal, but so amazing. We all cried for a little while and enjoyed those very first moments together. The nurse came over to tell us they had to take the baby for a check-up and to give him antibiotics in case he had the infection I had during labor. Turns out my fever had gone down immediately, and he was fine. The infection was in my uterus and a mild one and they really didn't know why I got it. They monitored us for 48 us and we both ended up being just fine.

So in the end, no water birth and no quick birth. I was truly expecting that Javier's birth would go the way I had somewhat planned, but it didn't and that's OK. I knew that it could be completely different, but it's hard not to imagine an ideal birth. All in all, I don't regret it. We worked hard, and we learned so much from this experience. Like our doula said, it was a transformative experience and definitely worth it.

I should add that we ended up getting an offer on the house the day Javier was born. We sold the following day. Then we bought a house a few days later. It's been quite the ride. AND, my sister-in-law looked up the meaning of Javier - check it out:

Origin:Basque/Spanish
Meaning: New house

taken from www.parentsconnect.com

We had already chosen the name!

40 weeks and 4 days pregnant

Well, since I have nothing else to do right now but wait, I'll write about what I've been feeling these days. It's amazing that a few days of being "overdue" can have such an impact. I should know by working in a prenatal clinic that being overdue is no big deal, but when it's happening to YOU, you can't help but feel restless, antsy, and OVERDUE!

I believe that medical providers should not provide a due-date. Our society places too much pressure on what that means. Once you're passed that date you're "overdue," and it seems to gives it such a negative connotation. People and you yourself start to wonder, are you not healthy, what's going on, they wonder in general, "what's wrong?" But the reality is, nothing is wrong. A woman should be able to have a baby between 37-42 weeks without there anything being wrong. I think medical providers should just give you a month that you'll most likely deliver and that's it. That way, that due-date isn't so anticipated and it doesn't become such a huge dissapointment.

At times, I feel totally chill. I think, this baby will come when he's ready and my body is preparing for that day, whatever day that is. Rational, calm, positive, right? Well then, I wake up every morning, crabby as heck from not sleeping comfortably, and think, GOD really - just another day? That feeling does go away though, b/c I think I'm getting closer and closer and I simply have to be positive.

I've tried things like walking, stairs, eating pineapple, spicy food, a little beer and wine here and there, pedicure, foot massages from my dear husband, and I use the exercise ball a lot. But nothing seems to happen. I feel "normal" a lot of times and think is this real, am I ever going to have this baby? I truly wonder, but know, that eventually yes he has to come out. I really don't think that doing all these things will induce labor anyway. I think if you happen to do it and you do go into labor, I believe it's more of a coincidence. I could be wrong, but who will ever know?

Anyway, I do get nervous and anxiuous when I think of the moment I go into labor. My heart skips a beat just thinking about the moment that my water will break, or I see a mucous plug, or I have a massive contraction. I hope that being nervous and scared is common - I don't want to be because I know that it can interfere with labor and with letting your body do what it needs to do, but I can't help it! I will do my best to remind myself that I need to relax, be in the moment, and REALLY let my body do what it needs to do. I like to think that I'll be doing all of this with my husband, and also with the baby. That we will all being doing this together and that we'll be a great team. It's all I can hope for.

So now, I'm super-excited. Just can't wait to meet this little babe. To greet him and to hold with my arms and hands. I know it will be one of the most spectacular, terrific, amazing, moments and maybe a moment I won't even be able to describe... I hope to post soon after I deliver so that I don't forget what that whole experience was like.

Weeks Pregnant = 39

39 weeks pregnant! How did that happen so quickly??? I remember when I was just pregnant and I thought, boy do I have a long way to go. The time has come where I no longer need to know how big I'm going to get (pretty big, a total of 30 lbs), what my cravings are going to be (officially - ice cream, oranges, ice, and potatoes - in any form), whether swimming or walking will be my preference (swimming), if I'm going to be able to read all the pregnancy books in time (yes), whether or not we'll have a doula (we are), whether or not we'll circumcise (we will), whether or not my boobs will be huge (they aren't!). All this wonderment...is no longer there - or should I say, is different now.

I keep thinking to myself that the way I'm feeling right now, in this last stretch of pregnancy, is what I feel when I'm tapering for a marathon. For those who haven't run a marathon or any sort of race, I apologize, but I can't think of what else to compare it to. I will go on to say though that if you haven't run a marathon, it doesn't matter, it's what women are encouraged to do anyway to prepare for a healthy labor and delivery.

In these last 3 weeks, I've focused on how much carbs/proteins I've eaten and will eat, how much fluids I'm taking in, how much sleep and rest I've added to my days - I've been thinking about what I'm going to wear on the day I deliver (if I labor in clothes or hospital gown or nothing at all), and what I'll eat on that day as well. It's funny because my mom and grandmother are coming on Thursday and we've had to come up with a game plan on where they should go the day I go into labor - just like I would on Marathon day - like where they should be standing so they can see me run by! I think this is great, and it's really helping me stay focused and relaxed. Like, I've done this before, you know.

I like to compare the two, running a marathon and delivering a baby (SORRY for those moms who can say there is NO COMPARISON, but humor me here...) because when you prepare for a marathon, you invest so much time training and you prepare for 1 day. You have no idea what that day will look like, but you have some knowledge, some vision. And, that day could be an awesome day or it can be a really bad day. You won't know until you're going through it. This is how I'm feeling about delivering the baby. We've prepared, we've read, we've anticipated this day for a while now, and now all we can do is wait until the actual day comes and hope for the very best.

I'm working now and will until I deliver, and that has also kept me a bit distracted. It can be stressful at times, but I'm OK with it - it keeps me busy and it's fun to see my clients' reactions when I tell them I only have days left until the due-date. This whole experience has also made such a difference in the work that I do. I think my clients see me in a different light now that we can relate to each other even more. It's been so valuable for me to go through this and now be able to say to my clients, I really know what you're talking about. And, I love it when my pregnant clients say, "It's about time you're having a baby!" Some think I'm too old to be having my 1st...

Childbirth Ed Class

I was trying to find the right class for us to attend because I didn't want to spend a lot of money, and I wanted it to be worth-while. I knew that the hospital where I will be delivering the baby was offering classes, but I also heard they were dry and boring. So, I branched out and did a little investigating on what else was out there that would be more fulfilling.

I found a class that was being offered at a Yoga (prenatal and postnatal) studio called Blooma. I had heard wonderful things about this place, that the yoga and instructors were great, so I looked into it. The owner is a doula so she offers a lot of educational workshops in a addition to her pre and post-natal yoga classes. There was one course that struck my eye and knew that it was going to be perfect for me and my husband. It was called Couple's Birthing Intensive. It was just 1 night, for 2 1/2 hours and it entailed everything we needed to know about each other during childbirth.

This worked for us for various reasons. I work in a prenatal clinic, so I know the ins and outs about pregnancy: what happens to your body, what's actually happening inside with your baby, how your body transforms. I didn't need a whole day of that. Secondly, my husband read the The Expectant Father, which I believe he really liked, b/c it gave him a view of what pregnancy is like, month to month, written by a man. I felt confident that he was aware of the changes, and I know it made him feel good to understand what was happening. We wanted a course that was going to be real, to the point, but also a bonding experience, as parents.

Oh, and my husband was a little leery of the yoga piece, (he's extraordinarily inflexible) but I assured him that the entire class was not about that. Thank goodness, it wasn't... We did do some breathing exercises facing each other, a little downward dog, a little stretching, but nothing any other person couldn't do. So it wasn't bad at all.

One of my favorite parts of the class was when the instructor had us sit and face each other. She had us put one hand on our hearts and the other hand on the baby, had us close our eyes, and told us to take deep breaths. She had us think about US, about the baby in between us, about the three of us. I cried and cried and it was hard to breathe, but it was such a sincere moment. It was the right way to be in the moment, to see that we were doing this together, and that for the 1st time I felt like a family. It was pretty cool.

Along with this, the instructor had us write about our fears, our unknowns, but also what it was we were excited about. She had us journal a little, but wanted us to share this with each other at different time. She said we should go on a date before the baby came, and to sit down and talk about these things. I thought this was great as well.

After we did a little yoga, a little crying (mainly the women), a little journaling, she told us to take a break, and gave us beer and oreo cookies! How awesome is that! The guys surely loved it and some of us women loved the fact that she had non-alcoholic beer for us. What a way to keep it real.

Meanwhile, she set up the video, which was 2 excerpts of women giving birth. Now, as you can imagine, they were about women naturally giving birth at home. She did say that this wasn't the way we "had" to give birth, by any means, but she wanted to show us how natural childbirth can be, and her main focus was to show us that we didn't have to be afraid. She talked about how our society has shaped our fears around childbirth and that it was all wrong. Women give birth, all the time, everywhere in the world, and it isn't something we need to be afraid of. We are very lucky to have all the medication and all the interventions b/c sometimes they will save lives, but that doesn't mean it's necessary for everyone. We don't need to go into it thinking, OMG this is going to be so painful and how am I going to get this baby out, and how am I going to do this! All this doubt and fear is what gets people in trouble. Believe me, I'm still convincing myself of all of this as I approach my 38th week of pregnancy, but it does give me a sense of relief when I think about it this way. I just think, our bodies are made to do this and I am doing it for the baby, not for me.

The teacher then gave a run-down of what early and active labor was, and what to do during this time. Told us to stay at home as long as we could - that it was better to labor in the comfort of your own home than in the hospital. She talked about what to eat and when to rest and not just for the women giving birth, but for the partners as well. It was great b/c again, it was to the point, she gave us handouts, it wasn't daunting, and we left feeling very confident.

So yeah, we walked out of there and thought, we're ready - let's do this. And we are ready. We have a couple of weeks left and I think we have done everything we can to prepare, mentally, for the birth of our baby. Now it's just praying that he will be born around his due-date, that it isn't a 30 hr labor, and that he's born straight into the water, gently and smoothly.

33 weeks pregnant

These photos were taken 4 weeks ago! The belly isn't very attractive, but I have to say I'm proud of my "linea negra," which you can't see very well in this photo, but it's there. It's the dark line that goes from the pelvic bone to the top of the belly. What's cool is that it gets longer as the baby gets bigger. They say it really doesn't mean anything. It's just a pigmentation thing, and for some women it's dark and for some women it doesn't show up at all. It goes away after the baby is born. My belly button is looking and feeling weird these days. Hope that goes back to normal too.